Anger

Tonight I am sad and angry and so completely confused. It is confusing and frustrating to be angry and have no idea who it is you are angry with. I am angry at the whole situation. I am angry that I didn't get more time with her. So incredibly angry that the entire half hour she lived, I was laying on an operating table unconscious. Since when did a half hour become a lifetime?

I am angry that for the rest of my life, there will be no end to this trial. Angry that in this life, I won't be able to squeeze and hug all my kids. Angry.... I'm just angry. I want to scream and yell and throw an tantrum a two year old would be proud of.

I want my baby here with me now. And I don't want to wait.

Deep breath... count to ten and breath again....

I am okay.... really. It is just a bad night. Those happen after you lose a baby, its part of the process. Tomorrow will be better. I have been doing better, maybe that's why tonight took me off guard. I am getting better at coping, but it is still hard at times.

Tater Tot

*photo from 2 years ago. My how he has grown.

This post is for a very special person. Our Tatum. I wanted to write a bit about him and shared how special this boy is and how much he brightens our lives. Tate has always been very cheerful and happy. He loves to make people laugh. He will often ask us, "...does that make you happy?" He is very concerned if someone is sad. He is my cuddle-bug. He will let me hold and squeeze and kiss him to my heart's content. Which is a lot.

Tate adores his big sister, they are best buds. Tate will blow kisses to his sister as she leaves to school and say, 'here are lots of kisses to take with you. I love you!' He loves to pick her up from the bus stop. Tate doesn't like nicknames. The only one he is okay with is Tater, and only on good days. Don't call him handsome either, he will reply, 'I'm not handsome, I'm Tate'.

He loves strawberries, chocolate milk, his blue baby blanket, Sheer-Khan (his pet tiger), dinosaurs, anything orange, airplanes and his Daddy.

Tate is always making us laugh. Sometimes it is not what he says, so much how he says it and his mannerisms. Here are some recent ones:
At preschool: 'My dad is so mean, he beats me... but I beat him back' *note: beat means beat-down, or wrestling. We do not actually beat our kids.
To neighbor after she sent her daughter to time-out: 'It's okay Krista, I would have done the same thing'
When I asked him to clean up his toys: 'I can't, they are having a party'
Conversation with me:
Me- 'Tate, do you know how much I love you?'
Tate- 'a bunch'
Me- 'more than that'
Tate- 'to the planet Jupiter'
Me- 'more than that'
Tate- 'to twenty'
Me- 'even more than you could count'
Tate- 'Thirty?!'

Oh, how I love this kid! I am so blessed to be his mom. Since Teagan died, I have needed lots of cuddling and hugs from my kids and Tate is always willing to cuddle-up. He tells me we just need to go on the airplane to heaven and visit Teagan. My baby boy is growing up and I am so proud of him!

4 years old!

Tate turned 4 yrs old! I can't believe how time flies. We had a fun family weekend with our boy. I didn't have the energy for birthday parties this year, so we had a family party instead. I liked it. It was fun to hang out and just enjoy the day together. Tate felt special and had fun too, so good times all around. We were watching Hayden, a neighbor, over the weekend so Tate wasn't completely without friends.

We started off the day with waffles, strawberries, and coconut syrup. Yum! Tate opened presents afterwards. He got a booster seat from Mom and Dad... finally, he can be just like Bentli. And he got lots of dinosaur toys from grandparents. We went to Target so he could spend his birthday money from grandparents. He picked out a game and a soccer ball.

For his birthday dinner he picked chicken strips, strawberries, mashed potatoes, and chocolate milk.



In case you can't tell, it is a Triceratops. Tate didn't want any dinosaur cake, he wanted a triceratops.

Tate, Hayden, Bentli, and Macie. When Macie was sweet enough to bring a present over for Tate, she had to stay and help sing and eat cake!

Happy Birthday Jared

Happy Birthday

Happy Valentine's Day
to the love of my life!
Jared is 31 today! I am so grateful to have him in my life. He is a wonderful husband and an amazing father. We are all so lucky to have him. Note Bentli's look of adoration in the photo above. Bentli has a special place in her heart for her Daddy, Mom never knows what she is talking about but Dad knows everything! She loves to goof around and tease with him. Tatum thinks his Dad is the coolest thing around. He asks multiple times a day when his dad will get home and loves Saturdays and Sundays cause Dad is home all day! Its pretty hard to compete with Jared, but I can't ever be upset about it cause I completely agree with them. Jared is simply the BEST!
We love you!

Six long months

Happy six month birthday to my baby girl, Teagan. I don't know why hitting the half way point of the first year was so significant to me, but it was. Maybe because while very early in my grief I felt like we would never get here. It has been an emotional day for me and trying to put all those feelings into words is difficult. Last night I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was thinking 6 mo ago (the night before Teagan was born). I was laying in a hospital bed with IVs and wires on every limb. Nurses had a hard time finding new places for all the needles and my doctor had confirmed that my water had broke. Part of me felt bad for 'past me', I had no idea what was coming. I knew the risks, but the idea that she wouldn't make it... it never really sunk in. I guess that was my denial. I thought Teagan would have some major challenges to overcome. Problems that could very likely challenger her for her whole life. And I was ready to dedicate my life to her. I just couldn't accept that her life would be as short as it was.

Last night and tonight I have been thinking on all the changes I've been through. I can now see how innocent I was before. Now I know true heartbreak and sorrow. I know what it feels like to be crushed and feel completely broken. I know what it is like to have a piece of your heart missing. I know what it feels like to ache for someone so bad it physically hurts. I know anxiety, anger, and confusion. I know grief.

Those emotions are not the only things I know. I know the comfort of a loving husband and sweet children. I know the look of true friends and caring family. I know the wonderful effects of prayer. I have felt the love from prayers offered on my behalf. I know my prayers have been heard by a merciful God. I know the feel of the Savior easing our burdens. I know how truly miraculous the gift of the Atonement is. I know faith and hope. And I know love.

"...we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." -Elder Russel M. Nelson

Teagan's First Christmas

This was my favorite part of our vacation. My best Christmas gift was to go home and see Teagan's grave again. It was the first time we had been back since the funeral. I love the spot that she is buried in. She shares a plot with Jared's Uncle Ronald, who died when he was just a few days old. I wish I could visit more often and decorate for all the holidays, but I am glad she is buried around family and somewhere we will always come and visit. These are some pictures on Christmas Eve.

This was the first time we saw her headstone. I love it! Those are her footprints! Butterflies have been very significant in our family and now represent Teagan to us. The quote is from Joseph Smith... it comforts me when I often ask 'why'.

Our family. I love it, but it does make me cry. I think all our family pictures from here on out will make me cry... there is a person missing. But always near.

All the cousins

Christmas was hard. The day itself wasn't bad. We had a wonderful day with family. It was hard after everyone went to bed and all the thoughts and emotions came to the surface. I was very grateful for family who took care of our kids the next day while I slept and 'recovered'. And very grateful for Jared, who took care of me.

I am blessed.

The Runway

As I was looking through our Christmas pictures, I think I figured out where Bentli got her 'diva model' attitude. While I was busy cleaning and cooking, my beautiful sisters (and brother) were working on their portfolio. I was disappointed that I didn't have any of C.C. cause she normally has some really good ones! They make me laugh so hard and they are going to be so mad that I put these up!

Christmas 2011

Little bit late. But this usually happens when I have an overload of pictures to post. For some reason it is just so hard to get the pictures from my camera to my computer. Lazy. We had so much fun with everyone and the kids were so disappointed to go home and only have boring old mom for entertainment.

Gingerbread houses. Can you say sugar high?
I was impressed that Tate had any candy left to put on his house.

Temple Square. Andersons met up with the Spicers to enjoy the lights.
I love sipping hot chocolate while freezing my bum off.

Early Chirstmas with the Andersons. We had a pinata, a huge dinner, presents and lots and lots of good family fun.

Bentli with Baby Eden

Girl time with Aunt CC. Kayda, Bentli, and Kenzie

Tate playing Airplane with Uncle Vett

After Jared flew in, we headed up to the Spicers. We were so lucky that Santa and Mrs. Claus actually came to our house on Christmas Eve!

Funny side note: Grandpa Chris had been teasing the kids that the Grinch was going to be in Idaho for Christmas this year. Tate was very adamant and vocal that Santa needed to watch out for the Grinch!

Christmas Eve sibling gift exchange. I love watching the kids get excited about giving. I love how they ask each other twenty times if they liked the gift they got them.

Christmas morning! Bentli got her Lalaloopsy Doll and Tate got his T-Rex. They had a great Christmas!

Its almost a tradition now to go and play at Randy's gym. So much fun.

Ever since last year, Bentli has been looking forward to going skiing again. We decided to bring Tate too. He was really excited when we were renting the skis... not so much when we got to the hill. He spent most the time wrapped around my legs-- it was an awesome work out! By the end though he was laughing and having a blast, so totally worth it.

Bentli was doing so well! She was going down all by herself and having a wonderful time. Once Tate calmed down and realized how fun it could be, he was yelling "faster mom, faster.... careful, careful!"