Teagan's Birthday (part 2)

Teagan's birthday was a hard day, but a good day.  It was nice to start it off visiting the hospitals and donating the blankets.  Then the rest of the day was about us.  It was a good mix of down time and busy.  I think a year of those monthly milestones helped me figure out what I needed for this day.  If I'm too busy, I have a complete mental breakdown.  But, too much downtime allows for too much 'pity me' time.  I think we planned the day just right.

 

  Look at these gorgeous flowers!  I have wonderful friends!!  My sweet neighbor Krista brought me flowers in the morning.  Then, Mary Jane, an amazing lady I work with in the Primary brought me some in the afternoon.  It is amazing how flowers can just brighten your day.  It was so thoughtful of them.

While Jared was working on a talk for Sunday and taking a little snooze, the kids and I ended up looking through Teagan's photo book and talking about her.  We all miss her so much.  Bentli and I had a good cry together.  Its so hard to watch your children grieve.  I want to take it all away and make it better... I can't.  Just like no one can take away this pain from me, unfortunately I can't take it away from them either.  Instead I hold my children close while we cry the healing tears together.

Bentli decided to write a card to Teagan... and she said it perfectly.  I couldn't agree more.

Tate decided to draw a picture of Teagan (I love his drawings). 

After this very emotional and hard discussion/crying session I looked out the window and saw this:

 

The way the sun reflected off the clouds reminded me of the picture of the Second Coming when Jesus comes again.  The one where Jesus descends out of Heaven with the angels trumpeting His return.  Look here to see what I'm talking about.

Anyways, it brought me peace like nothing else could have at that moment.  It was a message from our Heavenly Father.  Saying, "Remember!  Remember that this is not the end.  Remember that someday you will have Teagan back in your arms.  Remember my plan!"  It gave me the strength and peace to make it through the day.  And you know what, even though the rest of the day was sad, I had peace through it all.

We all decorated Teagan's cake together.  Well, I guess I should say that Jared gave his input, the kids licked the icing out of the bowl, and I decorated. 

That evening we went to the park with the Clarks and the Bradys.  These friends are our 'Philly Family'.  They have been there for us so so much this past year. 

Cole, Taylor, Lucy, Macie, Bentli, and Tate

Caroline, Troy, and Sherrie

We played, had cake and ice cream, and did a couple different 'releases'.   Okay, so I had bought some sky lanterns to release for Teagan.  Then the weather was classic Philly and completely unpredictable.  There were scattered thunderstorms.  I had a slight panic, the sky lanterns won't work in the rain.  So I bought some balloons as a back-up.

The weather was fantastic... we released both!

 We wrote the names of all of Teagan's 'friends' on the balloons.  Some of them family; many of them Angel Babies of women I have connected with over this past year.  (at the bottom of the post I included a picture of each name)

Macie, Krista, and Ben

Macie was so excited to send the balloons to heaven to Teagan.  It made me smile.

As we were watching the balloons float up to heaven, little Lucy turned to her mom and said, "I miss Teagan."  It makes me cry thinking about it.  I love it.  It was one of the sweetest things I've heard.

Caroline crawling around in the grass.  Caroline's due date was about a week after Teagan's.  They were going to be great friends.  I like to think they were friends in heaven before.  In my mind, she is linked to Teagan. 

And then it was dark enough for the lanterns.  I thought they were so beautiful.  I think we figured out how to do it next year so we can release then all at one time. 

All of Teagan's Angel Friends:

 

4 days...

There is a pit in my stomach.  A bundle of anxious nerves that is gnawing on my emotions. 

I don't know what to do with it. 

I pray for peace.  I know peace will come.  Sometimes it takes time though.  Sometimes you have to wait for the answer to your prayers.

Four days until Teagan's birthday.  One year of missed memories.  One year of missed smiles and giggles and cuddles.  A year of not kissing her precious face.  One whole year...

I wish I would only think of it as a whole year closer to seeing her again.  A year closer that glorious reunion.  Sometimes, more and more often, I do think like that and its wonderful when I am in that mindset.  But, sometimes I need to be sad. 

Its one thing I wish everyone could understand when it comes to grieving.  It is something I have been learning this year.  The anger, sadness, anxiety... all those not fun emotions have to happen.  I can't pray away those emotions every time.  It doesn't mean that I don't have enough faith. 

It means I am human.

It means that God is allowing me to weather the storm.  He is helping me to become a better person, a stronger person.  And I know He will help me walk out of this storm with a stronger, more purposeful step and sense of direction for my life and for my family's life.

For Once, Then, Something

For Once, Then, Something

By Robert Frost

  

Others taunt me with having knelt at well-curbs

Always wrong to the light, so never seeing

Deeper down in the well than where the water

Gives me back in a shining surface picture

Me myself in the summer heaven godlike

Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.

Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,

I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,

Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,

Something more of the depths—and then I lost it.

Water came to rebuke the too clear water.

One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple

Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,

Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?

Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

For some reason I have always really liked this poem since reading it in high school.  I feel like I am searching for that pebble of quartz.  Every once in awhile, I look in the water just right and I am able to see that whiteness.  Every once in awhile I gain some insight into why Teagan couldn't stay.  Every now and then see more of the big picture.  It can be so fleeting.  And sometimes, just when I think I'm beginning to understand there is a ripple.  Then I have to find a different way to look into the water to try and find that 'truth' again.  The one thing I can tell you about that pebble of quartz, 'the bigger picture', its beautiful.  God made it and it's wonderful.  Our Father in Heaven has a plan for our family.  And even though some days I can't see it, I know its still there. 

One month away...

Today is July 9th.  One month away from August 9th.  One month away from Teagan's birthday and angel day.  One month away from a day I am anticipating and dreading.  A friend told me that in most cases the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  So far its been true for me, not because the 'big days' are easy, but because the anxiety leading up to it really, really, sucks.  Sometimes I just want it to be here so I get through it and have it over and stop worrying about it.  And other times I don't want it to get here.  I don't want it to be a whole year since I have held my baby, touched my baby, and kissed my baby.

I'm trying to figure out everything to make Teagan's day perfect.  Its hard to figure out how much you want to do on that day.  Am I going to have the emotional energy?  I need it to be special, but I don't want to put so much expectations on it that I will feel like I failed if it doesn't go perfectly.  I have an idea of how I want it to go in my head... but I know something will go wrong and I will be a big bawling mess because of it. 

It has been eleven months since I had to say good-bye.  I am on the path to healing and things are so much better than those first months.  I have grown and changed.  I have developed a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father.  I am improving, but I still to miss Teagan everyday.  I ache for her everyday.  She is constantly on my mind, thinking how things would be different, wondering what she is doing, wondering if she is close by, and wishing for one more moment with her.  Knowing that someday, I will have eternity with her... I hold on to that. 

Its been 10 months

One year ago I was pregnant.  All the complications hadn't started yet.  That would come later in the month.  Life was feeling pretty perfect.

I miss that.  I miss the feeling of being completely content and happy with what life has given me.  Now, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful and happy for the many many blessings in my life.  I am so incredibly grateful for Bentli and Tatum.  But no one can fill the spot in my heart that belongs to Teagan.  I wonder if I will ever have that feeling of being completely content again. 

Its hard to be completely content when the happiest, sweetest moments spent with my children and husband are tinged with an overwhelming sadness.  Tinged with a longing for our sweet baby girl.  I was reading books with the kids the other day and it hit me again.  Teagan is gone, she's not coming back, I won't get to sit and cuddle with her.  I won't be able to hold all three of my children.  It is sometimes hard to watch Tate and Bentli cuddle and love on babies, when I want them to be doing that with Teagan.  These aren't new realizations or thoughts from the last ten months, but it still takes my breath away. 

Its been ten months.  It feels like longer.  And the day when I will hold my baby in my arms again seems so very far away.  I'm looking forward to the feeling of complete contentment when I can hold Teagan in my arms again.

Help Swaddle an Angel

You want to know what I told the nurse practitioner at my first OB appointment?  Rhetorical question, because I am going to tell you anyway!  haha.  I told her I was a low maintenance pregnancy, that I go to my doctor appointments, go the hospital, and go home with my baby.  I honest to goodness said that.  I still am shaking my head and berating myself for that stupid comment.  My pregnancy was anything but simple or routine.  For six weeks there were countless tests and hospital visits.  I think the longest I went without going to the hospital was 4 days.  Looking back, I wonder how I didn't see this coming, I didn't even consider the possibility of Teagan not making it.  I had researched everything: physical and mental developmental delays due to prematurity, NICU stays, how to take care of micro preemies, etc... all of it, except for the possibility that I wouldn't ever bring my baby girl home.

I wasn't prepared to have those few hours after Teagan was born be the only... the only time I had with her.  What parent is prepared for that?  I didn't have any blankets made or clothes, even if I did have them made/bought by then, they would have been too big.  The hospital was wonderful to us, and gave us a bereavement box, with a blanket, bows, feet/hand imprints, etc.   I am so incredibly grateful to the hospital and the memories they allowed me to create with Teagan.  I know we are not the only parents who only have a short time to create a lifetime of memories.  There are many parents, more than you realize, who have to say good-bye as soon as they welcome their child into their arms. 

I talked with the hospital where Teagan was born, Lankenau Hospital, and the nurse told me that they have a need for small blankets designed for babies 18-24 weeks gestational age.  They do get some donations for closer to term babies, but they are too large for these tiny babies.  Every parent should have a blanket to swaddle their infant.  They should have a nice, pretty blanket to wrap their baby in for pictures, and (if they are like me) sleep with every night to comfort them in their grief.  I found this blog that gives directions on how to make LilyWraps (small blankets to swaddle tiny babies).

How to make a LilyWrap

(Make option 2, the snug as a bug option)
I will be making wraps that are a finished size of 12"x12" and I may throw in to a few slightly larger ones of 15"x15"

Our family is starting a project.  I'm calling it Swaddle an Angel.  We are going to make as many of these wraps as possible.  And maybe some cute little diapers, see how to make them here.  We want to take these wraps and donate them to Lankenau Hospital on Teagan's birthday/angel day, August 9th.  We want to celebrate her life and our love for her.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate Teagan than to give to those in need.

If you would like to help with this project of ours, you can: make some LilyWraps and mail them to me, donate fabric, donate money to buy fabric, or even just spread the word to those crafty people who are looking for a project to work on.  Words cannot even begin to express the gratitude in my heart for the donations that were made for us, so we could have some beautiful memories to hang onto for the rest of our lives.  If you are able, I would love your help in bringing some comfort to mothers and fathers during one of the most difficult times a parent can experience.
 
*For questions or for an address to mail donations to, please email me at jenniespicer@gmail.com
**I added a PayPal donate button to the sidebar for easy click donations.  Thank you all!

Butterfly Love

One of the highlights of going home for my beautiful little sister's wedding was being able to go and visit Teagan's grave.  It was actually on Teagan's nine month birthday/angel day that we flew in.  My wonderful mother-in-law stayed with the kids so I could go over to the cemetery by myself.  

 

These lilacs were a little gift to me from Heavenly Father (at least that is the way I see it).  Let me tell you why.  I love lilacs, they have childhood memories written all over them for me.  Add in the fact that they are purple (Teagan's color) and I knew I wanted to put some on her grave.  My in-law's neighbors were trimming their lilac bushes and cutting away a lot of the bush.  So, Robbie and I went over and got a bunch of flowers from the parts they cut down.  The flowers were pretty, but they were kind of dried up and not quite healthy.  They were better than nothing though.  

Well, as I was driving to the cemetery I saw a ton of beautiful lilacs growing on a LDS church's property.  At first I told myself, 'No, Jennie- just keep driving'.  I didn't get very far before I flipped a U-ey to get some of those beautiful flowers.  I think Heavenly Father had them growing in abundance in that spot for me.  You couldn't even tell I took any.  Right there on my way to see Teagan.  So with the situation and the fact that it came from church property... call me crazy or call it a tender mercy; I'm calling it a gift from Heavenly Father to me, on a hard day.

I made it to the cemetery with my beautiful lilacs for Teagan.  I talked to Teagan.  I cried.  I prayed.  I cried.  I talked.  I cried some more, splotchy face and all.  Crying is not something to be scared of.  They're a part of grief, they're a part of life.  When you can't find they words to express all you are feeling inside, tears are what replace those unfound words.  I found this quote by Washington Irving once, it says it better than I can:

There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.

Then, the sweetest thing happened.  A small butterfly came and landed on Teagan's flowers.  She stayed for awhile too.  Just a tiny one.  Kind of fitting, Teagan was just a tiny one too.  Just because they are tiny, doesn't mean they aren't just as wonderful.  Tiny things can carry a tremendous amount of faith and love.  Some may just say it was a coincidence.  I think it was Teagan saying, "It's okay Mom, I'm alright".  It made me smile... it made me cry.

(you may have to look hard, but the little butterfly is there.  Its not a very good pic, it was taken with my phone)