Where's your baby?

The past few days I was in a rut.  I don't know what my deal was, I was just ornery.  While in this rut, it was hard to deal with the grief.  I kept wondering if this rut was due to my grief or were my emotions all over the place cause I didn't have the energy to control them.  (If any other BLMs have any insight on this let me know.)  All my hurts and emotions for Teagan were raw.  I hurt inside and I wanted to cry, but it felt like all my tears had been used up and I didn't have any words for how I was feeling.  All the emotions were just sitting and festering inside without a way to get out.  They were able to break out today.  Maybe that is why I feel better.  Sometimes crying does help.  Even as I sit and type this I am feeling better and better.  That's what this blog has become, my release.  It's a lot cheaper than therapy. 

I miss my baby girl.  Teagan.  I say her name at least fifty times every day.  Some days more.  Some days I'm able to say it with a smile and some days I cry it.  But I have to hear her name, out loud, every day.  Music to my ears.  Nothing makes me smile more than to hear other people say it.  I love when Tate and Bentli talk about Teagan, kids don't hold anything back out of fear, it's wonderful.  Teagan's name is included in every prayer in our family.  Who says angels don't need blessings too?  I think they do, they are doing important things. 

Anyways, getting back to the title of this post and the reason I sat down to blog.  This is a memory I want to remember.  It's bittersweet.  I hope I'm remembering it right, it was a couple weeks ago.  My friend Angela, told me a conversation she overheard between Tate and her little boy Hayden while they were playing with Hayden's baby brother Landon:

H- "This is my baby brother"
T- "Everybody has babies" (apparently he is noticing the baby boom in our community too)
H- "Where is your baby?"
T- "She's in heaven"

So sweet, but it hurts a little bit too.  Preschool was at my house today and during snack time they were talking about feeding babies.  Tate looked up at me and said, "Teagan doesn't need food, huh Mom."  It's sad that he has to know this reality at such a young tender age.  But I love that he doesn't forget Teagan.  She is his baby sister, his special angel, baby sister.

Easter Sunday

Another month

Another month has passed. Friday marked seven months. I could stare at those little feet all day.

Honestly.... it really punched me in the gut. It was the pain in the chest, hard to breath, on the brink of tears all day. I think I had been trying to avoid all those emotions for the last few weeks and they just bubbled over that day. It was the first time in awhile that I just didn't even want to get out of bed. I miss Teagan. I miss her with such intensity. There is a unique hole in my heart that only Teagan will be able to fill. I was telling Jared the other night that I wish I knew when the Second Coming was going to be, so there would be an end date of sorts, so I would know exactly when I was getting my baby back.

I decided that if it was going to be one of those days, I would just fake it. I got cleaned up and even put on a little make-up. Once we got Bentli out the door to school after lunch, Tate and I went to do a little shopping and hit the sales. Can I just say again, that I just adore my little boy? He, in true boy fashion, moaned at every store we went into. We shared a pretzel at the food court and he entertained me with his fantastic imagination. We talked about Teagan, and he told me I need to get another 'Teagan necklace'. I was hurting so bad inside and this one-on-one time with Tate was a balm to my soul.

That night it was time for more comfort food, so the whole family hit Dunkin Donuts and for donuts and hot chocolate. I love my family. I love all three of my kids. I am so grateful of all they do for me and the love they give to me.

Tater Tot

*photo from 2 years ago. My how he has grown.

This post is for a very special person. Our Tatum. I wanted to write a bit about him and shared how special this boy is and how much he brightens our lives. Tate has always been very cheerful and happy. He loves to make people laugh. He will often ask us, "...does that make you happy?" He is very concerned if someone is sad. He is my cuddle-bug. He will let me hold and squeeze and kiss him to my heart's content. Which is a lot.

Tate adores his big sister, they are best buds. Tate will blow kisses to his sister as she leaves to school and say, 'here are lots of kisses to take with you. I love you!' He loves to pick her up from the bus stop. Tate doesn't like nicknames. The only one he is okay with is Tater, and only on good days. Don't call him handsome either, he will reply, 'I'm not handsome, I'm Tate'.

He loves strawberries, chocolate milk, his blue baby blanket, Sheer-Khan (his pet tiger), dinosaurs, anything orange, airplanes and his Daddy.

Tate is always making us laugh. Sometimes it is not what he says, so much how he says it and his mannerisms. Here are some recent ones:
At preschool: 'My dad is so mean, he beats me... but I beat him back' *note: beat means beat-down, or wrestling. We do not actually beat our kids.
To neighbor after she sent her daughter to time-out: 'It's okay Krista, I would have done the same thing'
When I asked him to clean up his toys: 'I can't, they are having a party'
Conversation with me:
Me- 'Tate, do you know how much I love you?'
Tate- 'a bunch'
Me- 'more than that'
Tate- 'to the planet Jupiter'
Me- 'more than that'
Tate- 'to twenty'
Me- 'even more than you could count'
Tate- 'Thirty?!'

Oh, how I love this kid! I am so blessed to be his mom. Since Teagan died, I have needed lots of cuddling and hugs from my kids and Tate is always willing to cuddle-up. He tells me we just need to go on the airplane to heaven and visit Teagan. My baby boy is growing up and I am so proud of him!

4 years old!

Tate turned 4 yrs old! I can't believe how time flies. We had a fun family weekend with our boy. I didn't have the energy for birthday parties this year, so we had a family party instead. I liked it. It was fun to hang out and just enjoy the day together. Tate felt special and had fun too, so good times all around. We were watching Hayden, a neighbor, over the weekend so Tate wasn't completely without friends.

We started off the day with waffles, strawberries, and coconut syrup. Yum! Tate opened presents afterwards. He got a booster seat from Mom and Dad... finally, he can be just like Bentli. And he got lots of dinosaur toys from grandparents. We went to Target so he could spend his birthday money from grandparents. He picked out a game and a soccer ball.

For his birthday dinner he picked chicken strips, strawberries, mashed potatoes, and chocolate milk.



In case you can't tell, it is a Triceratops. Tate didn't want any dinosaur cake, he wanted a triceratops.

Tate, Hayden, Bentli, and Macie. When Macie was sweet enough to bring a present over for Tate, she had to stay and help sing and eat cake!

Christmas 2011

Little bit late. But this usually happens when I have an overload of pictures to post. For some reason it is just so hard to get the pictures from my camera to my computer. Lazy. We had so much fun with everyone and the kids were so disappointed to go home and only have boring old mom for entertainment.

Gingerbread houses. Can you say sugar high?
I was impressed that Tate had any candy left to put on his house.

Temple Square. Andersons met up with the Spicers to enjoy the lights.
I love sipping hot chocolate while freezing my bum off.

Early Chirstmas with the Andersons. We had a pinata, a huge dinner, presents and lots and lots of good family fun.

Bentli with Baby Eden

Girl time with Aunt CC. Kayda, Bentli, and Kenzie

Tate playing Airplane with Uncle Vett

After Jared flew in, we headed up to the Spicers. We were so lucky that Santa and Mrs. Claus actually came to our house on Christmas Eve!

Funny side note: Grandpa Chris had been teasing the kids that the Grinch was going to be in Idaho for Christmas this year. Tate was very adamant and vocal that Santa needed to watch out for the Grinch!

Christmas Eve sibling gift exchange. I love watching the kids get excited about giving. I love how they ask each other twenty times if they liked the gift they got them.

Christmas morning! Bentli got her Lalaloopsy Doll and Tate got his T-Rex. They had a great Christmas!

Its almost a tradition now to go and play at Randy's gym. So much fun.

Ever since last year, Bentli has been looking forward to going skiing again. We decided to bring Tate too. He was really excited when we were renting the skis... not so much when we got to the hill. He spent most the time wrapped around my legs-- it was an awesome work out! By the end though he was laughing and having a blast, so totally worth it.

Bentli was doing so well! She was going down all by herself and having a wonderful time. Once Tate calmed down and realized how fun it could be, he was yelling "faster mom, faster.... careful, careful!"

Christmas in the Big Apple

December 3rd was a... hard day. It represented one of the biggest 'if onlys' and 'should be'. I should be having a baby now or at least bringing her home from the NICU. I didn't want to dwell on these all day, so we got in the car and headed up to New York City. We parked in Staten Island and took the ferry across, the kids loved it.

Tate told us he was looking for sharks, and can you believe it-- he says he saw a shark and a dolphin! He makes me laugh.

We had to see Santa. We went to Macy's Santaland. The kids loved riding the escalator up seven floors, it seriously was any kid's dream. We were pleasantly surprised when we only had to wait in line for an hour. The line was HUGE, Macy's sure knows how to do it.

The had some great model trains. The this is a pic of the kids next in line to see Santa-- he was right around the corner!


This is the first year that I didn't have a screaming kid who was forced onto Santa's lap. Bentli asked for a Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Doll and Tate asked for T-Rex. I think Tate would have sat and talked to Santa all day long.


Apparently a Saturday in Dec in NYC is CrAzY!! The sidewalks were literally packed. We were glad we didn't have any strollers to weave in the crowd. I wish I would have taken some photos of the window displays-- the were amazing!


The Rockefeller Christmas Tree. It was of course huge!



It was a good trip and we were all exhausted when we made it home. It was still a hard day. I was wishing that I was navigating a huge stroller with my baby in it or that I was home with my baby. Wishing that 5th person was in the photos with us. I made it through the day, glad its over.