Blankets and Frosties

Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am not the only one grieving in this house. It is easy to get wrapped up in my own emotions. I was very attentive to their needs right after Teagan died, but children can only handle these emotions for short periods of time before they have to take a break from them. But just because they take a break from them, it doesn't mean that they are "over it". These emotions, feelings and questions they have are just as valid and just as important as mine, and need to be recorded on our blog also.

Many people would think a three year old wouldn't understand much. This is a very incorrect assumption. Tatum understands it in a very simple matter of fact way. He does get sad when we discuss Teagan and says he misses her. Both of my children would talk, hug and kiss my belly everyday and they miss that she is no longer there. For a long time he would ask about every baby he saw. He would say, "Does that baby work?" Sometimes followed by a "Teagan doesn't work". I was able to over hear a conversation with one of his nursery friends on Sunday, when he explain in a matter of fact way, that his baby sister died. This is his 3 yr old way of working out his feelings.

Bentli was very hurt by the loss of Teagan. She had been looking forward to having a baby sister since she was three years old. She is still mourning the loss and has many questions about death. She tells many, friends and strangers about Teagan's story. Others need to know about her love for her baby sister that is not here. We will often have 'Teagan talks', when we both share something we were looking forward to doing with her. Bentli's favorites are being able to wrap Teagan in her yellow blanket (for those who know Bentli and her blanket, know how significant this is). And she wanted to feed Teagan a frosty (from Wendy's), another of Bentli's favorite things. Bentli is a very perceptive person and is always first to notice and give me a hug during hard times.

I am so grateful for all three of my children and how each of them have added so much to my life. I pray I can be the mother that they need and deserve.

Bittersweet Night

I had a bitter-sweet night. Bitter because that is the taste of grieving and sweet because the Lord was there for me.
I could tell a 'break down' was coming soon and when I went to bed, it hit. And it hit hard. All I could do was sob into my pillow to muffle the cries, shaking as I clutched Teagan's blanket to my chest as if it could fill this void in my heart. No matter how hard I held that blanket to me, it couldn't relieve the pain in my chest. There is nothing you can do to stop it but let the tears out. I was thinking about the saying, "The Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle." We have all heard it, I have heard in more in the last two months than I care to count. I have to say, I don't agree with it. I have come to resent that statement. I cannot handle losing my child, but I have no choice. This burden has been placed on my back and it has crushed me, leaving me figuratively broken and unmoving on the floor. I have two choices: 1) give into the darkness, crawl into bed and never get out; or 2) turn to the Lord for strength. I choose to turn to the Lord.

So I opened my scriptures and read. My search for comfort from the scriptures brought me to 2 Peter 3:18. It says:
"But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen."
"But grow in grace..." I thought about that phrase, it spoke to me. Our God is gracious, He is compassionate, merciful, and loving. He has given us His Son, that we may someday know the sweetness of Salvation. He has given us the knowledge of Forever Families. We all need to grow in God's mercy and love. The knowledge we receive from the gospel allows us to grow... "grow in grace."

While right now I am broken and unmoving on the ground, I have hope. The Lord is there with me, feeding me so that I can heal. There will always be scars and I won't be the same person I was before, but I will be able to stand again someday. The Lord with strengthen me with knowledge of His wonderful plan. Even though I cannot handle this trial and heart break, the Lord will strengthen me so that will be able to survive it.

Teagan's Poem

Its been awhile since I have posted. I haven't known what to post. It's not that things haven't been happening, but I have had a lot of different feelings. I am at a point right now, that anytime I have a minute to think or blog, I think about Teagan and about my grief. I have been reluctant to share all the emotions of grief. I shared more that first month after Teagan died and then the second month hit and the pain hit a whole new level. The anger, pain, and anguish of grief is ugly. And here I am, beginning the third month since Teagan left, its not that the grief has gotten easier, the emotions still hit me like a run away train, but I have been inspired by another mother to share some of my thoughts.

This is a poem I wrote for Teagan. I wrote it just before her funeral.

Aching Arms

I have aching arms,
Arms meant to hold you,
Hands meant to comfort you,
And lips meant to kiss you.

God gave you to me
For just a short while.
Too short to fully show
How much you mean to me.

For reasons unknown,
God took you back home.
I'm left her confused,
My heart still rebelling.

Too pure, too perfect
to stay here with us
And God has promised me
We will again reunite.

I remain with empty arms,
A heart forever touched.
But God has changed my arms
From aching arms to waiting arms.

---Jennie Spicer