Teagan Faith

I don't know how to start. All I know is that I am changed from the person I once was and Teagan has become a part of my heart, life, and soul. I have to write about her story and share the beautiful precious soul that she is. I am not gifted with a talent for words, but hope that I can convey the struggle, love, and faith that were part of her short life here on Earth.

Aug 3rd, a Wednesday, Jared took me into the hospital when I was experiencing painful contractions. Because this pregnancy had been so complicated, I was hoping that this trip would be like the others, they check me and monitor me for a day or two and send me home. We got to the hospital and they gave me a couple terbutaline shots and were able to stop the contractions. I was moved over to an antepartum room so they could monitor me. The next day, Thursday, they gave me calcium channel blocker to keep the contractions away.

Unfortunately, they didn't work and the contractions started coming 3-4 min apart that evening. The doctors checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 3. When I heard the doctor say that I started experiencing the second scariest day of my life. I was taken back to labor and delivery and given magnesium sulfate. At this point I was 22 weeks and 6 days. In the Philadelphia region, doctors aren't allowed to try and resuscitate babies until 23 weeks. I needed to make it to midnight on Friday. Magnesium sulfate is a very strong drug feed through an IV, it makes you drowsy and hazy and feel very hot. All Friday I watched the clock counting down the hours till midnight. It was such a feeling of relief to watch the clock pass 12 that night. I received another round of steroid shots for her lung development. By Sunday night I was stable enough to lower the dose of mag sulfate and move me back to antepartum.

I remember the mag sulfate making me feel crummy but loving it because it was keeping me pregnant. I cherished every kick and nudge from my baby girl. I would fall asleep to the sound of her heart on the monitor. I remember trying to will my body to relax and work right for her. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare and have everything be okay.

Then Monday night, my water broke. I felt like we had just been handed complication after complication and felt like screaming, why was my baby being given so many challenges to make it into this world? The doctors checked my cervix again and surprisingly enough my cervix was dilated at a one. I felt a little hope. Tuesday morning, the team of doctors decided that it was too risky to keep me on the mag sulfate between the broken water and abrupted placenta, it could do more damage than good. They said that it could be a couple days or up to a week before I went into labor.

I wasn't lucky enough to make it farther than 4:00 before the contractions were coming consistently. At 5:00 I was checked and dilated to a 2-3 and moved over to labor and delivery. We had a friend come and help Jared give me a blessing. I remember Jared talking about how I would be okay and thinking don't talk about me, what about my baby. I felt pain for myself and for Jared that he couldn't give me the promise that my baby would be okay, but that Heavenly Father has a plan for her.

The contractions continued to come, shortly after 6:00 I had a series of contractions on top of each other and her heart rate dropped. This was the scariest moment of my life. The doctors believe this was when the placenta completely detached and I was rushed to the OR for emergency c-section. Teagan Faith was born Aug. 9, 2011 at 6:16pm, weighed 1 lb 4 oz, and was 11 inches long. Two neonatalogists did everything they could, she was just too little. Teagan only lived a short while before returning home to our Heavenly Father.

After I woke up in ICU, Jared told me she didn't make it, nothing can describe the pain and loss of that moment. The slightest movement would cause pain and I was in and out of it, but I thought that it fit, because my body felt like my heart- broken. Then they brought me Teagan. The time I spent holding and caressing her are moments that I will remember the rest of my life. I wanted to hold her forever. She was absolutely perfect. Her hair was starting to grow, her ears, hands, and feet were perfect and so tiny. Teagan had the Spicer eyelashes and Anderson feet. Teagan means beautiful, and she truly was beautiful and absolutely perfect, just so little.

It is amazing how much you can love someone so much. I had her with me for 23 weeks and 3 days, she became a permanent and eternal piece of my heart. The only way to cope is to rely on my faith that we will one day be reunited, that someday I will be able to raise her, and that Jared and I are sealed to her and no one can take that away from us. I am not strong enough to go through this alone, my Heavenly Father has been there for me and given me moments of peace through the anguish and grief. I don't understand it, but Heavenly Father's plan for her was only a short life measured in minutes and I would go through it all again, just to be her mother.

Pregnancy Update

The past few weeks have been chaotic and emotional. We are very excited to be expecting another addition into our family, a little girl! I never truly realized the blessing it was to have easy pregnancies with our first two children. I am not so lucky this time around, but still very grateful that things are continuing to progress.

About three weeks ago I first started experiencing bleeding around 20 wks. I was in and out of the hospital that week until they admitted me over the weekend until the bleeding would stop. The doctors suspected a chronic abruption of the placenta. I was released home on bed rest. During my 20wk ultrasound, the doctor believed that I had a complete placenta previa. The previa diagnosis was odd because it didn't show on other ultrasounds.

On Friday, July 22nd, I was experiencing heavy bleeding and again went into the hospital. The bleeding was causing contractions, which in turn would cause more bleeding. After a couple shots they were able to stop the contractions and slow the bleeding. The doctors explained that if the bleeding got worse they would have to do an emergency c-section. I was currently 23 wks along. They sent in the neonatalologist to discuss our options. After we decided that we would want to resuscitate if the need for a c-section arose the doctors gave me a round of steroid shots to help the baby's lung development. The doctors were able to get things settled down and stable and I was able to go home on Monday.

It was during this time that my team of doctors got together to discuss my due date. My original due date was Dec 3, but was moved up after my first doctor appt to Nov 20. However, during the 20 wk ultrasound, the baby's measurements were within 7-8 days of the Dec 3 due date. So it was decided to move back to the Dec 3 due date to cover all the bases and we will track the baby's development in regular scans further along in the pregnancy. It is also in the plan to give me another round of steroid shots when I hit 24 wks with the Dec 3 due date.

On Friday, July 29th I started experiencing painful, regular contractions. Again, into the hospital we went. They put in an IV with magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. They slowly lowered the dose of the mag. until they were able to take me off it Sunday morning and sent me home with a few doses of indomethacin.

While I was in the hospital they did another ultrasound. There were two high risks doctors and three residents there with me trying to figure out what was going on. The ultrasound showed the placenta on the left side, away from the cervix. So my diagnosis gets changed again! It is back to the original diagnosis of chronic abruption of the placenta.

Chronic abruption of the placenta is when a piece of the placenta is detached from the uterus and there is a higher risk for preterm labor and stillbirth. I will continue to be on close watch and the doctors have said to expect to be in and out of the hospital through out the pregnancy.

Through all of this chaos I have seen how much we have been blessed by our Heavenly Father. He has blessed us with wonderful friends that have been there to take care of kids, bring meals, and just check in on us to make sure we are okay. He has blessed us with loving family members. My sisters Michele, Bekah, and C.C. have taken time out of their lives to be with us and help while I'm on bedrest. I have a wonderful mother and mother-in-law who are both planning trips to come and stay with us and help. And even more family and friends that have kept us in their prayers.

Most of all, our Heavenly Father has blessed us with His love. I have been so grateful to have the priesthood in our home and the strength that I have received from priesthood blessings and the knowledge that I have of the gospel. It has strengthened my faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us, and even if we don't know what that plan is, He will be there for us, to comfort us and guide us.