Your Hands

I have so much updating to do.  We have been busy with mini-vacations, grandparents, first day of school, etc.  I haven't had the motivation to get it all posted yet.  I haven't really had the urge to sit down and blog in awhile.  I have an urge to blog tonight, probably because I have to get something off my chest.

Does all the heartache in the world ever overwhelm you?  Its getting to me lately.  Besides my own troubles, I see so many friends and family with their own struggles and heartache.  Friends with a baby in the NICU, multiple friends struggling with infertility, marital problems, death, and so on and so on....

I want to help, but I don't know what I can do to help.  I sit and think on it and I weep.  I weep for me, for them, for the pain of it all.  Life is hard.

Here is a song I heard a few months ago.  Its a wonderful reminder in all those hard times that, "One day [He] will set all things right."

"Your Hands" by JJ Heller 

For Once, Then, Something

For Once, Then, Something

By Robert Frost

  

Others taunt me with having knelt at well-curbs

Always wrong to the light, so never seeing

Deeper down in the well than where the water

Gives me back in a shining surface picture

Me myself in the summer heaven godlike

Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.

Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,

I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,

Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,

Something more of the depths—and then I lost it.

Water came to rebuke the too clear water.

One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple

Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,

Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?

Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

For some reason I have always really liked this poem since reading it in high school.  I feel like I am searching for that pebble of quartz.  Every once in awhile, I look in the water just right and I am able to see that whiteness.  Every once in awhile I gain some insight into why Teagan couldn't stay.  Every now and then see more of the big picture.  It can be so fleeting.  And sometimes, just when I think I'm beginning to understand there is a ripple.  Then I have to find a different way to look into the water to try and find that 'truth' again.  The one thing I can tell you about that pebble of quartz, 'the bigger picture', its beautiful.  God made it and it's wonderful.  Our Father in Heaven has a plan for our family.  And even though some days I can't see it, I know its still there. 

Butterfly Love

One of the highlights of going home for my beautiful little sister's wedding was being able to go and visit Teagan's grave.  It was actually on Teagan's nine month birthday/angel day that we flew in.  My wonderful mother-in-law stayed with the kids so I could go over to the cemetery by myself.  

 

These lilacs were a little gift to me from Heavenly Father (at least that is the way I see it).  Let me tell you why.  I love lilacs, they have childhood memories written all over them for me.  Add in the fact that they are purple (Teagan's color) and I knew I wanted to put some on her grave.  My in-law's neighbors were trimming their lilac bushes and cutting away a lot of the bush.  So, Robbie and I went over and got a bunch of flowers from the parts they cut down.  The flowers were pretty, but they were kind of dried up and not quite healthy.  They were better than nothing though.  

Well, as I was driving to the cemetery I saw a ton of beautiful lilacs growing on a LDS church's property.  At first I told myself, 'No, Jennie- just keep driving'.  I didn't get very far before I flipped a U-ey to get some of those beautiful flowers.  I think Heavenly Father had them growing in abundance in that spot for me.  You couldn't even tell I took any.  Right there on my way to see Teagan.  So with the situation and the fact that it came from church property... call me crazy or call it a tender mercy; I'm calling it a gift from Heavenly Father to me, on a hard day.

I made it to the cemetery with my beautiful lilacs for Teagan.  I talked to Teagan.  I cried.  I prayed.  I cried.  I talked.  I cried some more, splotchy face and all.  Crying is not something to be scared of.  They're a part of grief, they're a part of life.  When you can't find they words to express all you are feeling inside, tears are what replace those unfound words.  I found this quote by Washington Irving once, it says it better than I can:

There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.

Then, the sweetest thing happened.  A small butterfly came and landed on Teagan's flowers.  She stayed for awhile too.  Just a tiny one.  Kind of fitting, Teagan was just a tiny one too.  Just because they are tiny, doesn't mean they aren't just as wonderful.  Tiny things can carry a tremendous amount of faith and love.  Some may just say it was a coincidence.  I think it was Teagan saying, "It's okay Mom, I'm alright".  It made me smile... it made me cry.

(you may have to look hard, but the little butterfly is there.  Its not a very good pic, it was taken with my phone)

Easter thoughts of Teagan

Easter has never been as emotional for me as it was this year. Today is Teagan's eight month birthday/angel day. I still miss her like crazy and I hope I am making her proud of me. I crave to be able to hold her again, to kiss her little fingers. Needless to say, I am anxiously awaiting the Second Coming :)
The emotions of yesterday were in part from thinking of Teagan's eight month mark, but it was so much more than that. I was so overwhelmed with so many different emotions. Mostly, I felt humility and gratitude to my Savior, for his sacrifice. My thinking has changed from 'He died for my sins' to 'He died for me, so I could have my family forever'. Because He died, our separation from Teagan is a temporary one. And because He lives, we will live together as a family someday. There is no greater gift.

This video touched my heart and I wanted to share it. We sang the song, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" at Teagan's graveside service. One of those songs that I won't be able to sing without crying anymore!

He lives! To silence all my fears
He lives! To wipe away my tears
He lives! To calm my troubled heart
He lives! With blessings to impart

Six long months

Happy six month birthday to my baby girl, Teagan. I don't know why hitting the half way point of the first year was so significant to me, but it was. Maybe because while very early in my grief I felt like we would never get here. It has been an emotional day for me and trying to put all those feelings into words is difficult. Last night I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was thinking 6 mo ago (the night before Teagan was born). I was laying in a hospital bed with IVs and wires on every limb. Nurses had a hard time finding new places for all the needles and my doctor had confirmed that my water had broke. Part of me felt bad for 'past me', I had no idea what was coming. I knew the risks, but the idea that she wouldn't make it... it never really sunk in. I guess that was my denial. I thought Teagan would have some major challenges to overcome. Problems that could very likely challenger her for her whole life. And I was ready to dedicate my life to her. I just couldn't accept that her life would be as short as it was.

Last night and tonight I have been thinking on all the changes I've been through. I can now see how innocent I was before. Now I know true heartbreak and sorrow. I know what it feels like to be crushed and feel completely broken. I know what it is like to have a piece of your heart missing. I know what it feels like to ache for someone so bad it physically hurts. I know anxiety, anger, and confusion. I know grief.

Those emotions are not the only things I know. I know the comfort of a loving husband and sweet children. I know the look of true friends and caring family. I know the wonderful effects of prayer. I have felt the love from prayers offered on my behalf. I know my prayers have been heard by a merciful God. I know the feel of the Savior easing our burdens. I know how truly miraculous the gift of the Atonement is. I know faith and hope. And I know love.

"...we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." -Elder Russel M. Nelson

Lose Control

I have quite a bit of blogging to do, about our Christmas and trip home. But as I sit here, all I can think of is my baby. My baby would have been five months old. What would Teagan have looked like? Would she favor the Spicers or the Andersons? Would she have been another high maintenance baby or the happy care free kind. She definitely would have been spoiled by all of us. Five months... it feels like years ago. At times it is hard to remember the person I was before. Not necessarily care-free, there were stresses in my life, but now those worries seem so trivial and unimportant. I have changed these past five months. I am trying to make those changes into something better, instead of for the worse. It feels as if my entire life has been tipped on its head and I'm trying to redefine the things in my world... maybe not redefine, but organize everything into its rightful place with important things were they belong- at the top.

I have felt completely out of control. I couldn't control my body to carry Teagan to term, my life didn't follow the plan I had, and I am completely out of control of my emotions. Break downs are spacing out and it is getting better and I try to control these too. It doesn't work, I try to allow myself time to cry but the tears won't come when they are on the schedule, they like take me off guard. Haha, figures! I have faith, but my trust has been shaken. I feel vulnerable and there is no way to protect myself from life. I know that just because we have gone through this hell, it doesn't exempt me from future trials and that scares the crap out of me! So, I have thrown my hands up in the air and decided to lose control. I am trying to turn control over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows what is really going on and what will happen. Heavenly Father, you have my cooperation... guide me! I pray for guidance and peace. Also time to heal, I don't think I could handle any more big trials right now. Heavenly Father, guide me back home to my baby girl!

Thankful

I have been meaning to write a thankful post all month. While this period in our lives has been beyond hard, we have also been extremely blessed. I could go on and on with all the things we have been blessed with, so I will just keep it to the ones that have been on my mind this month.
I AM THANKFUL FOR:

• the scriptures- such a great source of knowledge and instruction
  
• temples- I miss being close to one
  
• our wonderfully diverse ward we live in- we really love the people in our ward family
  
• the gospel- how could you live without it?
  
• opportunity for Jared to go to school- and grateful for the hard work he puts into it
• prayer- through everything I have learned that even if Heavenly Father doesn't answer your prayers the way you want, He will NOT abandon you and He will be there to sooth your aching heart
• amazing friends- ones that have stuck by me through all my crazy and irrational moments, ones that send love from afar, ones still praying for me, ones who still check on me... so many things they do, and it means the world to me
• the best family it the world- Jared and I have the best family and I know that I can rely on every single one of them
• Bentli- I am so glad she is the oldest, she is the most wonderful big sister. She takes her duty as big sister very seriously, she will do anything for her siblings. She has such a tender and loving heart. She is full of sass and can be challenging, but I LOVE it. She keeps me on my toes. She soaks up information like a sponge and is so smart. She is our artist and loves to make us all happy with all her artwork she makes us.
• Tatum- I love my boy. He makes me smile every day and his favorite thing to do is make you laugh. He will do anything for a laugh. His smile is beautiful and I love how his eyes pretty much close when he smiles, just like me. Tatum means cheerful, and he fits his name perfectly. He is all boy and so busy trying to keep up with his big sister who he adores.
  
• Teagan- I got to know Teagan during my pregnancy, she only had nice loving kicks for her mama, she was very sweet. I often wonder what it was she did in the pre-existence to get out of living in this world. She is so pure and beautiful, her spirit is beyond description. I am blessed to have her as a daughter. She has changed me just as much, if not more, than my other children. She has taught me faith, love, and to cherish every moment you have with those you love.
• Jared- I decided to marry him at the young age of 19, and it is the best decision I have ever made. I love his humor. I love his dedication to our family, he is a wonderful father. He is my rock and my calming influence. He has so much faith, such an example to me. I would be lost without him.
• Forever Families- I cling to this knowledge. Losing Teagan has made me appreciate in a whole new way how miraculous and wonderful eternal families are. I eagerly await the resurrection when our family can be together again. How would I survive without this knowledge?

• The Atonement- the amazing amount of love that our Savior has for each of us is astounding. That He loves us so much to suffer for us and make Heavenly Father's plan possible is humbling. Not only has He made 'the plan' possible, but He also understands every heart break, pain, and sorrow.

I have so much to be grateful for.

Bittersweet Night

I had a bitter-sweet night. Bitter because that is the taste of grieving and sweet because the Lord was there for me.
I could tell a 'break down' was coming soon and when I went to bed, it hit. And it hit hard. All I could do was sob into my pillow to muffle the cries, shaking as I clutched Teagan's blanket to my chest as if it could fill this void in my heart. No matter how hard I held that blanket to me, it couldn't relieve the pain in my chest. There is nothing you can do to stop it but let the tears out. I was thinking about the saying, "The Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle." We have all heard it, I have heard in more in the last two months than I care to count. I have to say, I don't agree with it. I have come to resent that statement. I cannot handle losing my child, but I have no choice. This burden has been placed on my back and it has crushed me, leaving me figuratively broken and unmoving on the floor. I have two choices: 1) give into the darkness, crawl into bed and never get out; or 2) turn to the Lord for strength. I choose to turn to the Lord.

So I opened my scriptures and read. My search for comfort from the scriptures brought me to 2 Peter 3:18. It says:
"But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen."
"But grow in grace..." I thought about that phrase, it spoke to me. Our God is gracious, He is compassionate, merciful, and loving. He has given us His Son, that we may someday know the sweetness of Salvation. He has given us the knowledge of Forever Families. We all need to grow in God's mercy and love. The knowledge we receive from the gospel allows us to grow... "grow in grace."

While right now I am broken and unmoving on the ground, I have hope. The Lord is there with me, feeding me so that I can heal. There will always be scars and I won't be the same person I was before, but I will be able to stand again someday. The Lord with strengthen me with knowledge of His wonderful plan. Even though I cannot handle this trial and heart break, the Lord will strengthen me so that will be able to survive it.