My First Christmas In Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
This sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we are really not apart.

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
For after all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

So please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I cannot count the blessings for the love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

--Author Unknown

My sweet neighbor gave me this poem. She always remembers Teagan and is never afraid to talk about her (and for that I will always love her). I love this poem, and I bawled when I first read it. Simply because I can imagine Teagan telling me the same thing. I know she is happy and wishes this wasn't so hard on me.

A glimpse into my erratic mind

Its been four months. I am a roller coaster of emotions and I take it a day at a time. Just when I think things are getting easier it gets harder. I have had so many different things on my mind lately. I have been thinking a lot about the pre-existence. Joseph Smith said concerning children that die before the age of eight,"...they were too pure, to lovely to live on earth..." I believe that children who die before the age of accountability had already proved themselves. Was it some great act they performed that allowed them to bypass this life, only coming here to receive a body? Or was it just them, the pureness of their spirit and essence of themselves that did it? I don't know and I wonder what it was that Teagan did. Sometimes I wish Teagan could have been less perfect up there. Then she could stay here with us. But, that would change her, then she wouldn't be her... and really while I wish she could be here, I would never change her. I know its crazy and erratic, right! I still will always wonder what it was she did before coming to earth that allowed her to leave early.

I have heard people say they believe they chose their trials in the pre-existence. I don't know. I wonder if I signed up for this- becoming a baby loss mom. Did I agree to this? I can't imagine myself saying 'sure I can handle that'. I have always thought losing a child would be one of the worse things a person could go through. However, if I was given a choice: a) have Teagan and also lose her or b) never have her at all, I would hands down choose option A. Because as horrible as this is, she is still a part of our family... and always will be. Of course I would love a third option in there that included Teagan being with us here on earth, but that wasn't part of her plan. It obviously wasn't a choice. She is my pearl of great price. She is a beautiful, perfect spirit and in order for me to be her mother I had to pay a price so to speak.

A Christmas Dress

Bentli and I were walking through Target and were passing by the Infant and Toddler section of the store. The bright red clearance racks were calling me over to look through them for clothes for Tate. Unthinking I made the turn to head over to the racks. I was stopped in my tracks by adorable 0-3 month Christmas dresses. A gold satin dress with a black lace overlay. I clenched my jaw as I choked back the lump in my throat and tears burned my eyes. My heart sank as my reality hit me. I want to be checking the price tag and looking for matching tights and shoes. I want to be juggling the car seat and a ridiculously over-packed diaper bag.

I took a deep... shaky breath and turned around. I need to hold it together. I don't need the clearance rack that bad. Bentli and I went on to the toy section so she could pick out a Christmas present for her brother. I wish I was bringing Teagan home from the hospital. My mind knows that she is fulfilling Heavenly Father's plan for her. My heart knows she is happy and with us often. But I miss her... so much.

Christmas in the Big Apple

December 3rd was a... hard day. It represented one of the biggest 'if onlys' and 'should be'. I should be having a baby now or at least bringing her home from the NICU. I didn't want to dwell on these all day, so we got in the car and headed up to New York City. We parked in Staten Island and took the ferry across, the kids loved it.

Tate told us he was looking for sharks, and can you believe it-- he says he saw a shark and a dolphin! He makes me laugh.

We had to see Santa. We went to Macy's Santaland. The kids loved riding the escalator up seven floors, it seriously was any kid's dream. We were pleasantly surprised when we only had to wait in line for an hour. The line was HUGE, Macy's sure knows how to do it.

The had some great model trains. The this is a pic of the kids next in line to see Santa-- he was right around the corner!


This is the first year that I didn't have a screaming kid who was forced onto Santa's lap. Bentli asked for a Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Doll and Tate asked for T-Rex. I think Tate would have sat and talked to Santa all day long.


Apparently a Saturday in Dec in NYC is CrAzY!! The sidewalks were literally packed. We were glad we didn't have any strollers to weave in the crowd. I wish I would have taken some photos of the window displays-- the were amazing!


The Rockefeller Christmas Tree. It was of course huge!



It was a good trip and we were all exhausted when we made it home. It was still a hard day. I was wishing that I was navigating a huge stroller with my baby in it or that I was home with my baby. Wishing that 5th person was in the photos with us. I made it through the day, glad its over.

Salem MA

The beginning of November, my sister Melody had a medical conference in Boston. (Can't believe I'm old enough to have a little sister who is doctor!) Since another sister, Michele, lives in Salem which is just half an hour outside of Boston, the kids and I jumped in the car and drove up. The first night we drove into Melody's hotel and went swimming, the kids could have done it all night long. On Saturday, we all went exploring Salem. It is a beautiful little town and home to the famous Salem witch trials. They even have a town witch. The photos of the leaf fight was at the park in 'Hocus Pocus'. My favorite Halloween movie. The kids did so well in the six hour car ride, we were lucky enough to hit the NYC traffic just right, but Boston was a bit tricky. November started out really rough, so it was good to just get away for a little bit.

Melody was by far the fun one, with lots of energy and chased around with the kids.

A Harry Potter store, it was closed, but it looked really cute! And the gang: Mel Travis Michele Bentli and Tate






Our awesome leaf fight. The kids saw the fire truck and were so excited when one of the firemen were Travis' friends and let them climb in the fire truck and hold an axe.

Thanksgiving 2011

We had a lot of fun this thanksgiving. I was really lucky to have family come and see me! My brother Jake, who just moved to North Carolina, flew up to spend it with us and my sister Michele and her boyfriend Travis drove down from Boston. We cooked up a storm. We had way too much good food and lots of laughs. My mom will be mad, but I was so busy I forgot to take any pictures of dinner. So here are a few of the kids with Uncle Jake.

Jake gave Tate this pillow case with fighter jets on it. Tate can name all the different planes on it now and knows which one Uncle Jake flies. He was pretty bummed that Jake didn't fly his plane to our house but said it was okay because there isn't anywhere to park it.

I love this pic of Tate, it is hard to capture his real smile instead of his cheesy camera smile.

It's Autumn Time

Here are a couple fun things we did this autumn

We went to New Hope with Grandma Robbie when she came to visit. It is a cute little town with loads of fun character. There was a little French pastry shop, I could have eaten it all. I should have taken more pictures, I guess we needed Grandpa John!

And of course Bentli's soccer team!
It was classic bunch ball, but Bentli got right in there and loved it. She jumped right up after she would trip and get trampled. She really liked playing goalie and she even saved a few goals!





































Tate and our friend Kate watching their sister and brother play. Tate loved watching Bentli and would cheer for her. He really loved that my friend Michelle would bring lots of snacks for them.

Thankful

I have been meaning to write a thankful post all month. While this period in our lives has been beyond hard, we have also been extremely blessed. I could go on and on with all the things we have been blessed with, so I will just keep it to the ones that have been on my mind this month.
I AM THANKFUL FOR:

• the scriptures- such a great source of knowledge and instruction
  
• temples- I miss being close to one
  
• our wonderfully diverse ward we live in- we really love the people in our ward family
  
• the gospel- how could you live without it?
  
• opportunity for Jared to go to school- and grateful for the hard work he puts into it
• prayer- through everything I have learned that even if Heavenly Father doesn't answer your prayers the way you want, He will NOT abandon you and He will be there to sooth your aching heart
• amazing friends- ones that have stuck by me through all my crazy and irrational moments, ones that send love from afar, ones still praying for me, ones who still check on me... so many things they do, and it means the world to me
• the best family it the world- Jared and I have the best family and I know that I can rely on every single one of them
• Bentli- I am so glad she is the oldest, she is the most wonderful big sister. She takes her duty as big sister very seriously, she will do anything for her siblings. She has such a tender and loving heart. She is full of sass and can be challenging, but I LOVE it. She keeps me on my toes. She soaks up information like a sponge and is so smart. She is our artist and loves to make us all happy with all her artwork she makes us.
• Tatum- I love my boy. He makes me smile every day and his favorite thing to do is make you laugh. He will do anything for a laugh. His smile is beautiful and I love how his eyes pretty much close when he smiles, just like me. Tatum means cheerful, and he fits his name perfectly. He is all boy and so busy trying to keep up with his big sister who he adores.
  
• Teagan- I got to know Teagan during my pregnancy, she only had nice loving kicks for her mama, she was very sweet. I often wonder what it was she did in the pre-existence to get out of living in this world. She is so pure and beautiful, her spirit is beyond description. I am blessed to have her as a daughter. She has changed me just as much, if not more, than my other children. She has taught me faith, love, and to cherish every moment you have with those you love.
• Jared- I decided to marry him at the young age of 19, and it is the best decision I have ever made. I love his humor. I love his dedication to our family, he is a wonderful father. He is my rock and my calming influence. He has so much faith, such an example to me. I would be lost without him.
• Forever Families- I cling to this knowledge. Losing Teagan has made me appreciate in a whole new way how miraculous and wonderful eternal families are. I eagerly await the resurrection when our family can be together again. How would I survive without this knowledge?

• The Atonement- the amazing amount of love that our Savior has for each of us is astounding. That He loves us so much to suffer for us and make Heavenly Father's plan possible is humbling. Not only has He made 'the plan' possible, but He also understands every heart break, pain, and sorrow.

I have so much to be grateful for.

Waiting Arms

This post is for other Baby Loss Moms. I recently set up a private blog for mothers who have had to go through the heart break of losing a baby. It has given me a place to express thoughts that I am reluctant to post on our family blog. While I do write some thoughts on our family blog, grief is messy and it is nice to have a secure place to write about some of the things. A place to say what is on my mind without fear of being misunderstood. My only hope is that other mothers will also find it a healing place.

If you have experienced infant loss, stillbirth, or late miscarriage... first, I am sorry for your loss, no mother should have to go through this. If you would like access to this blog, please email me at jenniespicer@gmail.com. Please include in the email if you would like to be a reader only or have posting abilities. Or if you would like you can just leave a comment with your email address.

3 mo.

Three months ago Teagan was born and in the same day taken from us. How can three months seem so short and so long ago? It seems like she was just barely nudging my tummy while I listened to her heart on the monitor. But it seems like forever ago that the 'old' Jennie left and this 'new' person took her place. And how is it that the 'new' person seems so much more beat up and broken than the 'old' one?

What to do?

So Teagan's due dates are approaching. Yes, due dates-- I'm lucky enough to get two. There was some confusion with the last period date and ultasounds, so I got two. So now I am looking forward to two 'punch me in the gut and kick me while I'm down' days. Two days to wonder 'what if...' and 'if only...' Two days, that would be very significant if my world was how it should be. (Now, I know Heavenly Father has a plan-- but knowing that doesn't take away the pain right now)

A nurse from my doctor's office called me today to see how I was doing physically and emotionally. She suggested planning something on those days (something out of the ordinary). The days are Nov 20 and Dec 3. I'm not sure what to plan, I don't want anything big, but something that will help take my mind off the 'what ifs'. Any ideas??

Halloween

Last year Tate and Bentli had matching costumes. Bentli chose them, Tate is now three and has an opinion. So, as much as I love themed costumes, I think we are done with those now that Tate has a mind of his own. Tate chose Batman. He loves Batman, he's got the underwear and everything. He was so proud of his costume. Bentli, after much debate between princesses or butterfly, decided to be a witch. I was surprised but glad-- easy costume! She then told me, "I will be a witch this year, a butterfly next year, and the next year.. I will be Lady Gaga". WHAT?! For real Bentli? I don't know where she comes up with this stuff, but it gave me a laugh.


We of course carved pumpkins too. The kids didn't want to stick their hands in and get them dirty. I (in true Anderson fashion) made them, with dire threats of punishment if they didn't suck it up and at least touch it. They are hilarious and make me laugh, sure do love those two and their antics!


These are the finished product! Mine and Bentli's is the witch (to match her costume) and Jared and Tate's is the (can you guess?)--- of course the Texas Longhorns! Funny side note, Tate saw it after Jared was done carving it and said, " oh, Teckas Long-orns". Jared has trained his son well. (the other pumpkins belong to friends of ours that came to carve with us... more the merrier!)
We had fun Halloween filled with loads and loads of candy. Time to pick out the good chocolate pieces and slowly throw out the rest each night after the kids have gone to bed!

Blankets and Frosties

Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am not the only one grieving in this house. It is easy to get wrapped up in my own emotions. I was very attentive to their needs right after Teagan died, but children can only handle these emotions for short periods of time before they have to take a break from them. But just because they take a break from them, it doesn't mean that they are "over it". These emotions, feelings and questions they have are just as valid and just as important as mine, and need to be recorded on our blog also.

Many people would think a three year old wouldn't understand much. This is a very incorrect assumption. Tatum understands it in a very simple matter of fact way. He does get sad when we discuss Teagan and says he misses her. Both of my children would talk, hug and kiss my belly everyday and they miss that she is no longer there. For a long time he would ask about every baby he saw. He would say, "Does that baby work?" Sometimes followed by a "Teagan doesn't work". I was able to over hear a conversation with one of his nursery friends on Sunday, when he explain in a matter of fact way, that his baby sister died. This is his 3 yr old way of working out his feelings.

Bentli was very hurt by the loss of Teagan. She had been looking forward to having a baby sister since she was three years old. She is still mourning the loss and has many questions about death. She tells many, friends and strangers about Teagan's story. Others need to know about her love for her baby sister that is not here. We will often have 'Teagan talks', when we both share something we were looking forward to doing with her. Bentli's favorites are being able to wrap Teagan in her yellow blanket (for those who know Bentli and her blanket, know how significant this is). And she wanted to feed Teagan a frosty (from Wendy's), another of Bentli's favorite things. Bentli is a very perceptive person and is always first to notice and give me a hug during hard times.

I am so grateful for all three of my children and how each of them have added so much to my life. I pray I can be the mother that they need and deserve.

Bittersweet Night

I had a bitter-sweet night. Bitter because that is the taste of grieving and sweet because the Lord was there for me.
I could tell a 'break down' was coming soon and when I went to bed, it hit. And it hit hard. All I could do was sob into my pillow to muffle the cries, shaking as I clutched Teagan's blanket to my chest as if it could fill this void in my heart. No matter how hard I held that blanket to me, it couldn't relieve the pain in my chest. There is nothing you can do to stop it but let the tears out. I was thinking about the saying, "The Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle." We have all heard it, I have heard in more in the last two months than I care to count. I have to say, I don't agree with it. I have come to resent that statement. I cannot handle losing my child, but I have no choice. This burden has been placed on my back and it has crushed me, leaving me figuratively broken and unmoving on the floor. I have two choices: 1) give into the darkness, crawl into bed and never get out; or 2) turn to the Lord for strength. I choose to turn to the Lord.

So I opened my scriptures and read. My search for comfort from the scriptures brought me to 2 Peter 3:18. It says:
"But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen."
"But grow in grace..." I thought about that phrase, it spoke to me. Our God is gracious, He is compassionate, merciful, and loving. He has given us His Son, that we may someday know the sweetness of Salvation. He has given us the knowledge of Forever Families. We all need to grow in God's mercy and love. The knowledge we receive from the gospel allows us to grow... "grow in grace."

While right now I am broken and unmoving on the ground, I have hope. The Lord is there with me, feeding me so that I can heal. There will always be scars and I won't be the same person I was before, but I will be able to stand again someday. The Lord with strengthen me with knowledge of His wonderful plan. Even though I cannot handle this trial and heart break, the Lord will strengthen me so that will be able to survive it.

Teagan's Poem

Its been awhile since I have posted. I haven't known what to post. It's not that things haven't been happening, but I have had a lot of different feelings. I am at a point right now, that anytime I have a minute to think or blog, I think about Teagan and about my grief. I have been reluctant to share all the emotions of grief. I shared more that first month after Teagan died and then the second month hit and the pain hit a whole new level. The anger, pain, and anguish of grief is ugly. And here I am, beginning the third month since Teagan left, its not that the grief has gotten easier, the emotions still hit me like a run away train, but I have been inspired by another mother to share some of my thoughts.

This is a poem I wrote for Teagan. I wrote it just before her funeral.

Aching Arms

I have aching arms,
Arms meant to hold you,
Hands meant to comfort you,
And lips meant to kiss you.

God gave you to me
For just a short while.
Too short to fully show
How much you mean to me.

For reasons unknown,
God took you back home.
I'm left her confused,
My heart still rebelling.

Too pure, too perfect
to stay here with us
And God has promised me
We will again reunite.

I remain with empty arms,
A heart forever touched.
But God has changed my arms
From aching arms to waiting arms.

---Jennie Spicer

Teagan's Memorial

We held Teagan's funeral service on September 3rd, 2011. We brought her back home and buried her in Mountain View Cemetery in Pocatello, Idaho. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon and so many friends and family joined us in remembering Teagan's precious life. I will always be grateful to them and the love I felt from them on that day. My dad conducted the service, cousins and an uncle on Jared's side sang an amazing arrangement of Be Still My Soul. Jared's dad gave a wonderful talk and Jared dedicated the grave. Afterwards, we had a balloon release and wrote messages on notecards to send up with the balloons.

I had to make it perfect for Teagan. There are so many things I wish I was doing for her instead, and I was left with only this to do for her. No scraped knees, no first day of school, no birthdays, no proms, no boyfriends, no wedding... so many things that won't happen. I had to make this one thing for her perfect. I was glad it turned out so well.

It is difficult to describe all the emotions of that day. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Everything about it seemed wrong, a mother should not have to bury her child or have her 5 year old ask if she had a funeral when she was a baby. I have to keep remembering that I am only seeing a little bit of the picture and Heavenly Father has a plan that I am not able to understand right now. I continue to rely on faith that this is not the end.