Thankful

I have been meaning to write a thankful post all month. While this period in our lives has been beyond hard, we have also been extremely blessed. I could go on and on with all the things we have been blessed with, so I will just keep it to the ones that have been on my mind this month.
I AM THANKFUL FOR:

• the scriptures- such a great source of knowledge and instruction
  
• temples- I miss being close to one
  
• our wonderfully diverse ward we live in- we really love the people in our ward family
  
• the gospel- how could you live without it?
  
• opportunity for Jared to go to school- and grateful for the hard work he puts into it
• prayer- through everything I have learned that even if Heavenly Father doesn't answer your prayers the way you want, He will NOT abandon you and He will be there to sooth your aching heart
• amazing friends- ones that have stuck by me through all my crazy and irrational moments, ones that send love from afar, ones still praying for me, ones who still check on me... so many things they do, and it means the world to me
• the best family it the world- Jared and I have the best family and I know that I can rely on every single one of them
• Bentli- I am so glad she is the oldest, she is the most wonderful big sister. She takes her duty as big sister very seriously, she will do anything for her siblings. She has such a tender and loving heart. She is full of sass and can be challenging, but I LOVE it. She keeps me on my toes. She soaks up information like a sponge and is so smart. She is our artist and loves to make us all happy with all her artwork she makes us.
• Tatum- I love my boy. He makes me smile every day and his favorite thing to do is make you laugh. He will do anything for a laugh. His smile is beautiful and I love how his eyes pretty much close when he smiles, just like me. Tatum means cheerful, and he fits his name perfectly. He is all boy and so busy trying to keep up with his big sister who he adores.
  
• Teagan- I got to know Teagan during my pregnancy, she only had nice loving kicks for her mama, she was very sweet. I often wonder what it was she did in the pre-existence to get out of living in this world. She is so pure and beautiful, her spirit is beyond description. I am blessed to have her as a daughter. She has changed me just as much, if not more, than my other children. She has taught me faith, love, and to cherish every moment you have with those you love.
• Jared- I decided to marry him at the young age of 19, and it is the best decision I have ever made. I love his humor. I love his dedication to our family, he is a wonderful father. He is my rock and my calming influence. He has so much faith, such an example to me. I would be lost without him.
• Forever Families- I cling to this knowledge. Losing Teagan has made me appreciate in a whole new way how miraculous and wonderful eternal families are. I eagerly await the resurrection when our family can be together again. How would I survive without this knowledge?

• The Atonement- the amazing amount of love that our Savior has for each of us is astounding. That He loves us so much to suffer for us and make Heavenly Father's plan possible is humbling. Not only has He made 'the plan' possible, but He also understands every heart break, pain, and sorrow.

I have so much to be grateful for.

Waiting Arms

This post is for other Baby Loss Moms. I recently set up a private blog for mothers who have had to go through the heart break of losing a baby. It has given me a place to express thoughts that I am reluctant to post on our family blog. While I do write some thoughts on our family blog, grief is messy and it is nice to have a secure place to write about some of the things. A place to say what is on my mind without fear of being misunderstood. My only hope is that other mothers will also find it a healing place.

If you have experienced infant loss, stillbirth, or late miscarriage... first, I am sorry for your loss, no mother should have to go through this. If you would like access to this blog, please email me at jenniespicer@gmail.com. Please include in the email if you would like to be a reader only or have posting abilities. Or if you would like you can just leave a comment with your email address.

3 mo.

Three months ago Teagan was born and in the same day taken from us. How can three months seem so short and so long ago? It seems like she was just barely nudging my tummy while I listened to her heart on the monitor. But it seems like forever ago that the 'old' Jennie left and this 'new' person took her place. And how is it that the 'new' person seems so much more beat up and broken than the 'old' one?

What to do?

So Teagan's due dates are approaching. Yes, due dates-- I'm lucky enough to get two. There was some confusion with the last period date and ultasounds, so I got two. So now I am looking forward to two 'punch me in the gut and kick me while I'm down' days. Two days to wonder 'what if...' and 'if only...' Two days, that would be very significant if my world was how it should be. (Now, I know Heavenly Father has a plan-- but knowing that doesn't take away the pain right now)

A nurse from my doctor's office called me today to see how I was doing physically and emotionally. She suggested planning something on those days (something out of the ordinary). The days are Nov 20 and Dec 3. I'm not sure what to plan, I don't want anything big, but something that will help take my mind off the 'what ifs'. Any ideas??

Halloween

Last year Tate and Bentli had matching costumes. Bentli chose them, Tate is now three and has an opinion. So, as much as I love themed costumes, I think we are done with those now that Tate has a mind of his own. Tate chose Batman. He loves Batman, he's got the underwear and everything. He was so proud of his costume. Bentli, after much debate between princesses or butterfly, decided to be a witch. I was surprised but glad-- easy costume! She then told me, "I will be a witch this year, a butterfly next year, and the next year.. I will be Lady Gaga". WHAT?! For real Bentli? I don't know where she comes up with this stuff, but it gave me a laugh.


We of course carved pumpkins too. The kids didn't want to stick their hands in and get them dirty. I (in true Anderson fashion) made them, with dire threats of punishment if they didn't suck it up and at least touch it. They are hilarious and make me laugh, sure do love those two and their antics!


These are the finished product! Mine and Bentli's is the witch (to match her costume) and Jared and Tate's is the (can you guess?)--- of course the Texas Longhorns! Funny side note, Tate saw it after Jared was done carving it and said, " oh, Teckas Long-orns". Jared has trained his son well. (the other pumpkins belong to friends of ours that came to carve with us... more the merrier!)
We had fun Halloween filled with loads and loads of candy. Time to pick out the good chocolate pieces and slowly throw out the rest each night after the kids have gone to bed!