For Once, Then, Something

For Once, Then, Something

By Robert Frost

  

Others taunt me with having knelt at well-curbs

Always wrong to the light, so never seeing

Deeper down in the well than where the water

Gives me back in a shining surface picture

Me myself in the summer heaven godlike

Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.

Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,

I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,

Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,

Something more of the depths—and then I lost it.

Water came to rebuke the too clear water.

One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple

Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,

Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?

Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

For some reason I have always really liked this poem since reading it in high school.  I feel like I am searching for that pebble of quartz.  Every once in awhile, I look in the water just right and I am able to see that whiteness.  Every once in awhile I gain some insight into why Teagan couldn't stay.  Every now and then see more of the big picture.  It can be so fleeting.  And sometimes, just when I think I'm beginning to understand there is a ripple.  Then I have to find a different way to look into the water to try and find that 'truth' again.  The one thing I can tell you about that pebble of quartz, 'the bigger picture', its beautiful.  God made it and it's wonderful.  Our Father in Heaven has a plan for our family.  And even though some days I can't see it, I know its still there. 

One month away...

Today is July 9th.  One month away from August 9th.  One month away from Teagan's birthday and angel day.  One month away from a day I am anticipating and dreading.  A friend told me that in most cases the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  So far its been true for me, not because the 'big days' are easy, but because the anxiety leading up to it really, really, sucks.  Sometimes I just want it to be here so I get through it and have it over and stop worrying about it.  And other times I don't want it to get here.  I don't want it to be a whole year since I have held my baby, touched my baby, and kissed my baby.

I'm trying to figure out everything to make Teagan's day perfect.  Its hard to figure out how much you want to do on that day.  Am I going to have the emotional energy?  I need it to be special, but I don't want to put so much expectations on it that I will feel like I failed if it doesn't go perfectly.  I have an idea of how I want it to go in my head... but I know something will go wrong and I will be a big bawling mess because of it. 

It has been eleven months since I had to say good-bye.  I am on the path to healing and things are so much better than those first months.  I have grown and changed.  I have developed a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father.  I am improving, but I still to miss Teagan everyday.  I ache for her everyday.  She is constantly on my mind, thinking how things would be different, wondering what she is doing, wondering if she is close by, and wishing for one more moment with her.  Knowing that someday, I will have eternity with her... I hold on to that. 

The 4th of July

No one does the 4th of July like Philly!  Being the birthplace of America, they celebrate for a week.  There are so many different activities and events going on, its hard to choose what to go to.  We kicked off our holiday with fireworks at Penn's Landing on the Delaware River. 

The Roberts and the Clarks came to party it up with us

Some of our favorite neighbors, the Tenny's, had us over on the 3rd to watch the Upper Darby fireworks from their backyard.  It was great fun! (but I forgot my camera, oops)

Of course we had to go downtown for the Philadelphia parade!  We love this parade.  For as loud and as fun as it is... there is also an incredible spirit there.  A gratitude that you feel for all the men and women who have fought, are fighting, and will fight for our country.  I always think of my brother, Jake, who is a pilot in the Air Force.  I think of the times he was deployed.  How grateful I am that he is safe and of how incredibly proud of him we all are.  There were many times during the parade that I couldn't help but tear up.  So proud to be an American!!

They started the parade with a military jets fly-over.  We, especially Tate, were so amazed.  It definitely reminded us of our 'Uncle Jake'.

Watching the Revolutionary Soldiers march down the street, playing 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' is so incredible.  The video doesn't do it justice.  It humbles you to think of the sacrifices those men and women made.

The red flag is for 9-11.  I couldn't get a good pic, but it has the twin towers with a star where each of them were hit.  Another very touching part of the parade.

Have to get a pic in front of Independence Hall on Independence Day.  The amazing things that happened in this building!

After the parade ended,  we headed home and I had to force the kids to take a nap if they wanted to go to fireworks... again.  The big firework show in Philly is by the Philadelphia Art Museum (made popular from the movie 'Rocky').  I didn't have the courage to brave the crowds by myself, there isn't a subway nearby.... it would have been crazy finding parking.  We opted for the Narberth (a township/suburb of Philly) fireworks.  Went with our friends the Roberts and the Clarks.  It was great fun!  Definitely worth it.

Kids played card games waiting for the fireworks to start. (Connor, Bentli, and Ashley)

Craft Night

 I finally completed the first batch of wraps for the hospital.  And my 'I', I mean 'we'.  I had some wonderful neighbors and friends come over and we busted a bunch of wraps out.  We were able to accomplish a lot that night and my neighbor Krista and I were able to finish it all up.  We were able to make 82 wraps so far!  I am so excited. 

I have received a couple more donations and so will be one last trip Joann's next week to buy fabric.  I might have to beg a couple more friends to come and help out with the last batch of wraps.  I have been so truly humbled by the generous donations that people have made.  I think I cry every time I get a donation or see the projects people are working on for it.  I am so incredibly grateful for the kind hearts of so many people.

Sherrie and Krista... slaving away

Mary Jane was so great to pin for us

Emily sewing away!

My sweet friend Dani, made and sent these sweet little diapers all the way from Hawaii!  They are so tiny.  I love the card that comes with each diaper.