Teagan Faith

I don't know how to start. All I know is that I am changed from the person I once was and Teagan has become a part of my heart, life, and soul. I have to write about her story and share the beautiful precious soul that she is. I am not gifted with a talent for words, but hope that I can convey the struggle, love, and faith that were part of her short life here on Earth.

Aug 3rd, a Wednesday, Jared took me into the hospital when I was experiencing painful contractions. Because this pregnancy had been so complicated, I was hoping that this trip would be like the others, they check me and monitor me for a day or two and send me home. We got to the hospital and they gave me a couple terbutaline shots and were able to stop the contractions. I was moved over to an antepartum room so they could monitor me. The next day, Thursday, they gave me calcium channel blocker to keep the contractions away.

Unfortunately, they didn't work and the contractions started coming 3-4 min apart that evening. The doctors checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 3. When I heard the doctor say that I started experiencing the second scariest day of my life. I was taken back to labor and delivery and given magnesium sulfate. At this point I was 22 weeks and 6 days. In the Philadelphia region, doctors aren't allowed to try and resuscitate babies until 23 weeks. I needed to make it to midnight on Friday. Magnesium sulfate is a very strong drug feed through an IV, it makes you drowsy and hazy and feel very hot. All Friday I watched the clock counting down the hours till midnight. It was such a feeling of relief to watch the clock pass 12 that night. I received another round of steroid shots for her lung development. By Sunday night I was stable enough to lower the dose of mag sulfate and move me back to antepartum.

I remember the mag sulfate making me feel crummy but loving it because it was keeping me pregnant. I cherished every kick and nudge from my baby girl. I would fall asleep to the sound of her heart on the monitor. I remember trying to will my body to relax and work right for her. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare and have everything be okay.

Then Monday night, my water broke. I felt like we had just been handed complication after complication and felt like screaming, why was my baby being given so many challenges to make it into this world? The doctors checked my cervix again and surprisingly enough my cervix was dilated at a one. I felt a little hope. Tuesday morning, the team of doctors decided that it was too risky to keep me on the mag sulfate between the broken water and abrupted placenta, it could do more damage than good. They said that it could be a couple days or up to a week before I went into labor.

I wasn't lucky enough to make it farther than 4:00 before the contractions were coming consistently. At 5:00 I was checked and dilated to a 2-3 and moved over to labor and delivery. We had a friend come and help Jared give me a blessing. I remember Jared talking about how I would be okay and thinking don't talk about me, what about my baby. I felt pain for myself and for Jared that he couldn't give me the promise that my baby would be okay, but that Heavenly Father has a plan for her.

The contractions continued to come, shortly after 6:00 I had a series of contractions on top of each other and her heart rate dropped. This was the scariest moment of my life. The doctors believe this was when the placenta completely detached and I was rushed to the OR for emergency c-section. Teagan Faith was born Aug. 9, 2011 at 6:16pm, weighed 1 lb 4 oz, and was 11 inches long. Two neonatalogists did everything they could, she was just too little. Teagan only lived a short while before returning home to our Heavenly Father.

After I woke up in ICU, Jared told me she didn't make it, nothing can describe the pain and loss of that moment. The slightest movement would cause pain and I was in and out of it, but I thought that it fit, because my body felt like my heart- broken. Then they brought me Teagan. The time I spent holding and caressing her are moments that I will remember the rest of my life. I wanted to hold her forever. She was absolutely perfect. Her hair was starting to grow, her ears, hands, and feet were perfect and so tiny. Teagan had the Spicer eyelashes and Anderson feet. Teagan means beautiful, and she truly was beautiful and absolutely perfect, just so little.

It is amazing how much you can love someone so much. I had her with me for 23 weeks and 3 days, she became a permanent and eternal piece of my heart. The only way to cope is to rely on my faith that we will one day be reunited, that someday I will be able to raise her, and that Jared and I are sealed to her and no one can take that away from us. I am not strong enough to go through this alone, my Heavenly Father has been there for me and given me moments of peace through the anguish and grief. I don't understand it, but Heavenly Father's plan for her was only a short life measured in minutes and I would go through it all again, just to be her mother.