Happy six month birthday to my baby girl, Teagan. I don't know why hitting the half way point of the first year was so significant to me, but it was. Maybe because while very early in my grief I felt like we would never get here. It has been an emotional day for me and trying to put all those feelings into words is difficult. Last night I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was thinking 6 mo ago (the night before Teagan was born). I was laying in a hospital bed with IVs and wires on every limb. Nurses had a hard time finding new places for all the needles and my doctor had confirmed that my water had broke. Part of me felt bad for 'past me', I had no idea what was coming. I knew the risks, but the idea that she wouldn't make it... it never really sunk in. I guess that was my denial. I thought Teagan would have some major challenges to overcome. Problems that could very likely challenger her for her whole life. And I was ready to dedicate my life to her. I just couldn't accept that her life would be as short as it was.
Last night and tonight I have been thinking on all the changes I've been through. I can now see how innocent I was before. Now I know true heartbreak and sorrow. I know what it feels like to be crushed and feel completely broken. I know what it is like to have a piece of your heart missing. I know what it feels like to ache for someone so bad it physically hurts. I know anxiety, anger, and confusion. I know grief.
Those emotions are not the only things I know. I know the comfort of a loving husband and sweet children. I know the look of true friends and caring family. I know the wonderful effects of prayer. I have felt the love from prayers offered on my behalf. I know my prayers have been heard by a merciful God. I know the feel of the Savior easing our burdens. I know how truly miraculous the gift of the Atonement is. I know faith and hope. And I know love.
"...we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." -Elder Russel M. Nelson
7 comments:
Oh I just love you! That was great. Some thing you would rather not learn and some that you'd rather not trade, huh? Time just keeps marching on. Thinking about you everyday!
Oh you sweet Mama...I love the quote at the end!! Very true and beautiful...like you! Keep on keeping on honey...more joy coming and lots of memories to keep making!
Love u so much Jen. You are incredible and our prayers are always with you.
I miss sweet little Teagan too.
Beautiful, she's a lucky girl to have you as her mamma!
You took the words right out of my mouth. I love that quote you added too.
I'm so thankful for you and everything you said. I especially love that quote, which I haven't heard before. I'm proud of you for the strength you show even in the hardest of times. Love ya!
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