Today is July 9th. One month away from August 9th. One month away from Teagan's birthday and angel day. One month away from a day I am anticipating and dreading. A friend told me that in most cases the anticipation is worse than the day itself. So far its been true for me, not because the 'big days' are easy, but because the anxiety leading up to it really, really, sucks. Sometimes I just want it to be here so I get through it and have it over and stop worrying about it. And other times I don't want it to get here. I don't want it to be a whole year since I have held my baby, touched my baby, and kissed my baby.
I'm trying to figure out everything to make Teagan's day perfect. Its hard to figure out how much you want to do on that day. Am I going to have the emotional energy? I need it to be special, but I don't want to put so much expectations on it that I will feel like I failed if it doesn't go perfectly. I have an idea of how I want it to go in my head... but I know something will go wrong and I will be a big bawling mess because of it.
It has been eleven months since I had to say good-bye. I am on the path to healing and things are so much better than those first months. I have grown and changed. I have developed a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father. I am improving, but I still to miss Teagan everyday. I ache for her everyday. She is constantly on my mind, thinking how things would be different, wondering what she is doing, wondering if she is close by, and wishing for one more moment with her. Knowing that someday, I will have eternity with her... I hold on to that.
7 comments:
Still praying, and always thinking about you. We miss Teagan too. Her Birthday will be beautiful no matter how you decide to celebrate it!
I will be thinking of you all month!
I agree the anticipation is much worse than the actual day. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers this whole month. I know tge day will be special. Teagen will be so proud of you for.putting such a special day together!!
Love you! I've too been anticipating Gabie's day the whole last month and now that I'm there it's still hard but I cry more and stress less. I think the anticipation is stressful in of itself and that brings the grief. But I've still found no way around that. If I ever do I'll be sure to share it with you.
Jennie, You're so sweet!!! July 16th is my day for Heather and I always get up early to watch the sunrise and appreciate the power and glory of our Father in Heaven to create all things! He knows your heart and will bless you and he does me. Such a difficult day, but one to be still and listen and feel the Spirit! I will listen with you! Love you guys, Kathie Chase
I just love you. It is hard to figure it all out. You will. And plus the worst part is you have forever to do it. That is what I try not to remind myself. I can make new traditions every year if I want. :)
Praying for you and your family as August sneaks up on us. We are also planning our sweet Elle's celebration...anticipated and dreaded. I hate to say it but some days I feel that I will be very happy when it is over. God bless...
Elle's mommy
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