The past few days I was in a rut. I don't know what my deal was, I was just ornery. While in this rut, it was hard to deal with the grief. I kept wondering if this rut was due to my grief or were my emotions all over the place cause I didn't have the energy to control them. (If any other BLMs have any insight on this let me know.) All my hurts and emotions for Teagan were raw. I hurt inside and I wanted to cry, but it felt like all my tears had been used up and I didn't have any words for how I was feeling. All the emotions were just sitting and festering inside without a way to get out. They were able to break out today. Maybe that is why I feel better. Sometimes crying does help. Even as I sit and type this I am feeling better and better. That's what this blog has become, my release. It's a lot cheaper than therapy.
I miss my baby girl. Teagan. I say her name at least fifty times every day. Some days more. Some days I'm able to say it with a smile and some days I cry it. But I have to hear her name, out loud, every day. Music to my ears. Nothing makes me smile more than to hear other people say it. I love when Tate and Bentli talk about Teagan, kids don't hold anything back out of fear, it's wonderful. Teagan's name is included in every prayer in our family. Who says angels don't need blessings too? I think they do, they are doing important things.
Anyways, getting back to the title of this post and the reason I sat down to blog. This is a memory I want to remember. It's bittersweet. I hope I'm remembering it right, it was a couple weeks ago. My friend Angela, told me a conversation she overheard between Tate and her little boy Hayden while they were playing with Hayden's baby brother Landon:
H- "This is my baby brother"
T- "Everybody has babies" (apparently he is noticing the baby boom in our community too)
H- "Where is your baby?"
T- "She's in heaven"
So sweet, but it hurts a little bit too. Preschool was at my house today and during snack time they were talking about feeding babies. Tate looked up at me and said, "Teagan doesn't need food, huh Mom." It's sad that he has to know this reality at such a young tender age. But I love that he doesn't forget Teagan. She is his baby sister, his special angel, baby sister.
8 comments:
Totally sweet. I love to hear my kids talk about their brother. So sorry you are in an emotional runt. They hit me from time to time as well. Luckily they get further apart.
Same as you that I have to say his name like X number of times a day...I think people get tired of me bringing him up all the time but I don't care.
If you ever want to talk, please email me. Thinking of you always ((hugs))
Your Teagan is beautiful :) I have been all over the place also. Someone gave me this piece of advice today....treat yourself like you would treat your best friend. (BIG SIGH) we are way to hard on ourselves. We would give each other way more grace then we give ourselves. I get really frustrated when I feel like I am moving backward. uuugggg. But it is a slow process I guess. I am with you it makes my heart sing when someone say Jonathan :) Unfortunately my extended family is not very supportive and will not mention him. My Husband makes sure to talk about him every day witch helps. My three year old is so sweet she always talks about him and say she misses him :) I am really happy to have found your blog and look forward to getting to know your family better. Thanks for linking-up I hope to see you every week.
I am totally crying reading this! I love that kids just tell it like it is! I fear I do the same too much and people are gonna wanna stop being my friend! LOL I feel the exact same about saying Pierce. I feel like sometimes I just think of things to say about him to hear his name. :) Loves!
Hello...thank you so much for coming over to our blog and leaving a comment. I love to hear from other mama's walking this road. So so so sorry about your sweet baby girl...how precious she is and I love that name. Hm, Teagan...I may just have to mention that one to my husband. Oh, the emotions of this journey. It's different every day for me...some days I'm elated I have a baby girl that resides with Jesus and other days I am terrified of the silence our home now holds. Ups and downs girl but I will be praying for more ups for you and your family. God is our comfort and our peace each and every moment of every day. Hold on to Him and all the emotions will seem to fade...thanks again and hugs to you and yours...
Nicki
I had a grown up ask me that question. "Where's your baby?" Punch in the stomach.
Like Ashley said, sometimes I'm afraid people get sick of me talking about Ella so much. It's nice to have friends who know about her so I don't have to explain.
Even now, over a year later (almost a year and a half) I still get in those ruts. Sometimes when other things are bothering me or making me sad, they all compile into one big sad blob of grief over Ella. It's weird.
Such a sweet moment with your boy. I hope my children (who won't ever know Ella in this life) will still love her and acknowledge her like your beautiful kids have done.
I totally understand those ruts. I think they happen easier now than they did before my son Noah died. Like I've always said, it's 1 step forward, 2 steps back. I too appreciate when people mention Noah or include him in some way. I think most people figure since he's not here, we shouldn't talk about him as much as we do our living children and that's hard. It's such a blessing having kids who are real and say it like it is. So sweet how your son talks about Teagan so freely! Thanks for sharing (found your blog through Tesha's link up).
{{{hugs}}}
Sorry you were in a rut those times are hard! I say keep saying her name. Don't care what others think if they lost a child they would totally understand. Big guys mama!!! You have such sweet kids here ok earth and a beautiful angel watching over you on heaven!
Awe!! That is so sweet. Love that he recognizes her and talks about her. It is bittersweet for sure though.
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