I had a bitter-sweet night. Bitter because that is the taste of grieving and sweet because the Lord was there for me.
I could tell a 'break down' was coming soon and when I went to bed, it hit. And it hit hard. All I could do was sob into my pillow to muffle the cries, shaking as I clutched Teagan's blanket to my chest as if it could fill this void in my heart. No matter how hard I held that blanket to me, it couldn't relieve the pain in my chest. There is nothing you can do to stop it but let the tears out. I was thinking about the saying, "The Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle." We have all heard it, I have heard in more in the last two months than I care to count. I have to say, I don't agree with it. I have come to resent that statement. I cannot handle losing my child, but I have no choice. This burden has been placed on my back and it has crushed me, leaving me figuratively broken and unmoving on the floor. I have two choices: 1) give into the darkness, crawl into bed and never get out; or 2) turn to the Lord for strength. I choose to turn to the Lord.
So I opened my scriptures and read. My search for comfort from the scriptures brought me to 2 Peter 3:18. It says:
"But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen."
"But grow in grace..." I thought about that phrase, it spoke to me. Our God is gracious, He is compassionate, merciful, and loving. He has given us His Son, that we may someday know the sweetness of Salvation. He has given us the knowledge of Forever Families. We all need to grow in God's mercy and love. The knowledge we receive from the gospel allows us to grow... "grow in grace."
While right now I am broken and unmoving on the ground, I have hope. The Lord is there with me, feeding me so that I can heal. There will always be scars and I won't be the same person I was before, but I will be able to stand again someday. The Lord with strengthen me with knowledge of His wonderful plan. Even though I cannot handle this trial and heart break, the Lord will strengthen me so that will be able to survive it.
6 comments:
Love this!
Jennie,
I don't know you but I saw your comment on Kaci's blog and came over. I'm another mom of an angel baby. We waited for a long time for our Ella to come. She passed away two hours after she was born due to complications from a heart defect. She would have been almost ten months old if she were alive today.
Tears blurred my vision as I read about your sweet Teagan. I completely agree on what you said about God giving us what we can handle. I got so sick of people telling me I'm strong. I don't want to be strong. I just want my baby.
I don't want to give you advice because everyone is different when it comes to this terrible trial that has changed our lives. Just know that I weep for you and me and all the mothers out there who have had to tell their babies goodbye.
I love what Amy just wrote. I have not had to go through that experience and I still weep for you. I am sorry you have to go through this hardship. I definitely have you in my prayers.
I am so sorry for your loss. You Teagan is so beautiful. The pain of lossing a baby is so heavy and hard. I am praying for your sweet family as you go through the hardest times in your life. I cried and my heart ached as you wrote the few below posts as I to am a angel mom. I can relate on so many levels. You are a beautiful family. Prayers are with you!
Moments like that are hard and seems like you are handling them well. I have struggled with the savior really being there for me...more because I want to change the fact that my son is gone...but looking back over the past year I have definitely been lifted by my Heavenly Father, not sure where I would be without him.
Jennie, you really have a way to describe your feelings into words. I am so saddened by your loss, but I am also amazed by you and the sweet posts and poem were read with blurry eyes.
I am often thinking of you from around the world!
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