Its been four months. I am a roller coaster of emotions and I take it a day at a time. Just when I think things are getting easier it gets harder. I have had so many different things on my mind lately. I have been thinking a lot about the pre-existence. Joseph Smith said concerning children that die before the age of eight,"...they were too pure, to lovely to live on earth..." I believe that children who die before the age of accountability had already proved themselves. Was it some great act they performed that allowed them to bypass this life, only coming here to receive a body? Or was it just them, the pureness of their spirit and essence of themselves that did it? I don't know and I wonder what it was that Teagan did. Sometimes I wish Teagan could have been less perfect up there. Then she could stay here with us. But, that would change her, then she wouldn't be her... and really while I wish she could be here, I would never change her. I know its crazy and erratic, right! I still will always wonder what it was she did before coming to earth that allowed her to leave early.
I have heard people say they believe they chose their trials in the pre-existence. I don't know. I wonder if I signed up for this- becoming a baby loss mom. Did I agree to this? I can't imagine myself saying 'sure I can handle that'. I have always thought losing a child would be one of the worse things a person could go through. However, if I was given a choice: a) have Teagan and also lose her or b) never have her at all, I would hands down choose option A. Because as horrible as this is, she is still a part of our family... and always will be. Of course I would love a third option in there that included Teagan being with us here on earth, but that wasn't part of her plan. It obviously wasn't a choice. She is my pearl of great price. She is a beautiful, perfect spirit and in order for me to be her mother I had to pay a price so to speak.
I have heard people say they believe they chose their trials in the pre-existence. I don't know. I wonder if I signed up for this- becoming a baby loss mom. Did I agree to this? I can't imagine myself saying 'sure I can handle that'. I have always thought losing a child would be one of the worse things a person could go through. However, if I was given a choice: a) have Teagan and also lose her or b) never have her at all, I would hands down choose option A. Because as horrible as this is, she is still a part of our family... and always will be. Of course I would love a third option in there that included Teagan being with us here on earth, but that wasn't part of her plan. It obviously wasn't a choice. She is my pearl of great price. She is a beautiful, perfect spirit and in order for me to be her mother I had to pay a price so to speak.
8 comments:
I think we did know what we were going to go through but I think we couldn't grasp exactly what that meant. We had no way to understand pain and sadness because we were in a place where it didn't exist. Luckily we had enough faith then to accept our call in mortality and continued faith here to fulfill it. Your post was beautfully written. Thank you.
I love this. And I also love your "crazy erratic mind"! ;) From my point of view... I think your handling this so incredibly well still. I know that still wont make it easy for you but you are such a huge example to others- you have no idea! Love you!
You may think your thoughts are erratic and do not really make sense but I totally understand everything in this post. I have wished so many times that my sweet Gabriel had been less pure. I feel like that is a very selfish wish and usually convince myself that I did agree to this in the pre-existence and knew it'd be a blessing. No matter how difficult it would be. Sometimes I wonder if as a spirit we understood the heart ache that would come with such a trial. If we didn't maybe that would make it easier to agree to such a challenging task.
I also wonder who Gabriel was in the Pre-existence but more often I wonder what he is doing now that Heavenly Father needed him back so soon for. I know he is busy, I know he checks in on us and worries about the pain we feel for his loss. But I also know that he is where he is supposed to be and doing a marvelous work that one day I will learn of and continue to be a very proud mother of such a pure child.
I also often wonder what I did to be a mother of such a pure spirit. It must have been something good, because i do not believe I'm being punished by losing my son. I know my Father in Heaven loves me too much to punish me like that. But it'll be nice to one day know all those things that happened before and remember why we did what we did and why we had the trials we have in this earthly life.
Sorry I didn't mean for this to become so long. I just wanted to convey how I understand and I believe all you're feeling is very natural and normal no matter how erratic it makes you feel.
As I read through this post, I have to admit that my thoughts were very similar to Amy Saville's. Not only must Teagan have been a choice Spirit to be crowned the blessing (as hard as I'm sure it is to look at it that way)of escaping this wicked world, but likewise, how choice a person you and the rest of her family are for being blessed with such a choice spirit as hers in your lives. Our Father in Heaven must put such faith and trust in each of you, knowing you WOULD turn to Him and His Son in your hard times, trusting you would rise even stronger than you were before in light of your loss.
I've pondered the idea of whether or not we knew, in the Pre-existence exactly what we will be asked to endure in this life, and I've always chosen to believe that we might not have known every detail of our struggles (like you said - who would choose such trials) but I believe we knew that regardless of what we must endure, we knew we WOULD endure heartache/hardships, we knew that they were necessary steps/sacrifices we must go through if we truly wanted to grow and become more like unto our Father in Heaven, and most important - we knew that it WOULD be worth it and that we would not be left comfortless or asked to endure these things alone but that we would have a loving Brother in whom we can put our faith and trust in to make all things right one day and who can succor us during those times and always.
I've definitely had the same thoughts...why did my son have to be "that good" that he didn't need to live a full life down on earth.
Thinking of you, especially as the time get closer to the holidays :( ((Hugs))
not erratic at all. you're sorting through all of this long hard process...trying to learn and grow along the way. you're right on track. beautifully put, I must say.
I love what the Clarks said above. You are such an example and it's important that you to know the example you have been to me personally! You are filled with such grace and beauty from the inside out. I think about you so often and although it is tough to come up with the right words to say sometimes you should know that I think the world of you and your example of faith has been such a strength to me in my own times of trial :) Love you Jennie!
I wonder the same thing about choosing trials. Did I really sign up for this? Did I think "I can handle that, I can grow and I can learn from that" Go me if I did! haha I must have had a greater knowledge of things! I have the SAME crazy thoughts! I think sometimes anything seems better than the pain. Hang in there! I think about you all the time!
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