Lose Control

I have quite a bit of blogging to do, about our Christmas and trip home. But as I sit here, all I can think of is my baby. My baby would have been five months old. What would Teagan have looked like? Would she favor the Spicers or the Andersons? Would she have been another high maintenance baby or the happy care free kind. She definitely would have been spoiled by all of us. Five months... it feels like years ago. At times it is hard to remember the person I was before. Not necessarily care-free, there were stresses in my life, but now those worries seem so trivial and unimportant. I have changed these past five months. I am trying to make those changes into something better, instead of for the worse. It feels as if my entire life has been tipped on its head and I'm trying to redefine the things in my world... maybe not redefine, but organize everything into its rightful place with important things were they belong- at the top.

I have felt completely out of control. I couldn't control my body to carry Teagan to term, my life didn't follow the plan I had, and I am completely out of control of my emotions. Break downs are spacing out and it is getting better and I try to control these too. It doesn't work, I try to allow myself time to cry but the tears won't come when they are on the schedule, they like take me off guard. Haha, figures! I have faith, but my trust has been shaken. I feel vulnerable and there is no way to protect myself from life. I know that just because we have gone through this hell, it doesn't exempt me from future trials and that scares the crap out of me! So, I have thrown my hands up in the air and decided to lose control. I am trying to turn control over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows what is really going on and what will happen. Heavenly Father, you have my cooperation... guide me! I pray for guidance and peace. Also time to heal, I don't think I could handle any more big trials right now. Heavenly Father, guide me back home to my baby girl!