Tonight I am sad and angry and so completely confused. It is confusing and frustrating to be angry and have no idea who it is you are angry with. I am angry at the whole situation. I am angry that I didn't get more time with her. So incredibly angry that the entire half hour she lived, I was laying on an operating table unconscious. Since when did a half hour become a lifetime?
I am angry that for the rest of my life, there will be no end to this trial. Angry that in this life, I won't be able to squeeze and hug all my kids. Angry.... I'm just angry. I want to scream and yell and throw an tantrum a two year old would be proud of.
I want my baby here with me now. And I don't want to wait.
Deep breath... count to ten and breath again....
I am okay.... really. It is just a bad night. Those happen after you lose a baby, its part of the process. Tomorrow will be better. I have been doing better, maybe that's why tonight took me off guard. I am getting better at coping, but it is still hard at times.
7 comments:
i get that way sometimes too. Two-year-old, throw a tantrum, kick stuff across the room angry.
Let it work in you. Let it purge itself out like a fever, burning through the grief, the hate of this trial, the unfairness of everything. Just let it do its "thing". (for lack of a better word.)
Because you're right. Everything will feel better in the morning.
I'm sorry. Sending you hugs!!!
Oh I just love you. I hate those days. I so know. They sneak up on you and make you feel like they wont end. Because all I can think about is how it wont end, and not how I am learning to deal with it better. Those days it is just unbearable to think about. I am sorry. This plain old sucks. Thinking of you! Feel free to text me to vent. :)
Jen I'm so sorry you are always in my prayers and we think about u and your family all the time. Wish I could just hug u.
Jen, totally understandable. As you always tell me, no guilt. Don't feel guilty for the angry moments, you're entitled to them, and they will pass. I'm angry a lot still too, anything this unfair stirs up being mad, just plain unfair. I hope you feel some extra comfort after a bad night.
Hugs.
And if it helps, throw a fit, scream where no one can hear you. Do what makes YOU feel a little better.
Jennie, I can't even what these past few months have been like. The pain you've had to go through & are still going through... What I do know is you are very very strong and you deserve to be kick butt angry. I hope you threw your big fit and woke up feeling more peaceful. I'm just so sorry, Jennie. My heart breaks for you. We all love you and miss you in SA. xxoo
I am so sorry. It is tough. I was angry for a long time in the beginning but couldn't figure out what or who I was angry at...it was all misdirected. I hope that things are getting better. It is a never ending trial, something that I am learning slowly to live with. Know that I am always here to talk - email me! Thinking of you ((Hugs))
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