Teagan's Poem

Its been awhile since I have posted. I haven't known what to post. It's not that things haven't been happening, but I have had a lot of different feelings. I am at a point right now, that anytime I have a minute to think or blog, I think about Teagan and about my grief. I have been reluctant to share all the emotions of grief. I shared more that first month after Teagan died and then the second month hit and the pain hit a whole new level. The anger, pain, and anguish of grief is ugly. And here I am, beginning the third month since Teagan left, its not that the grief has gotten easier, the emotions still hit me like a run away train, but I have been inspired by another mother to share some of my thoughts.

This is a poem I wrote for Teagan. I wrote it just before her funeral.

Aching Arms

I have aching arms,
Arms meant to hold you,
Hands meant to comfort you,
And lips meant to kiss you.

God gave you to me
For just a short while.
Too short to fully show
How much you mean to me.

For reasons unknown,
God took you back home.
I'm left her confused,
My heart still rebelling.

Too pure, too perfect
to stay here with us
And God has promised me
We will again reunite.

I remain with empty arms,
A heart forever touched.
But God has changed my arms
From aching arms to waiting arms.

---Jennie Spicer

Teagan's Memorial

We held Teagan's funeral service on September 3rd, 2011. We brought her back home and buried her in Mountain View Cemetery in Pocatello, Idaho. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon and so many friends and family joined us in remembering Teagan's precious life. I will always be grateful to them and the love I felt from them on that day. My dad conducted the service, cousins and an uncle on Jared's side sang an amazing arrangement of Be Still My Soul. Jared's dad gave a wonderful talk and Jared dedicated the grave. Afterwards, we had a balloon release and wrote messages on notecards to send up with the balloons.

I had to make it perfect for Teagan. There are so many things I wish I was doing for her instead, and I was left with only this to do for her. No scraped knees, no first day of school, no birthdays, no proms, no boyfriends, no wedding... so many things that won't happen. I had to make this one thing for her perfect. I was glad it turned out so well.

It is difficult to describe all the emotions of that day. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Everything about it seemed wrong, a mother should not have to bury her child or have her 5 year old ask if she had a funeral when she was a baby. I have to keep remembering that I am only seeing a little bit of the picture and Heavenly Father has a plan that I am not able to understand right now. I continue to rely on faith that this is not the end.

Teagan Faith

I don't know how to start. All I know is that I am changed from the person I once was and Teagan has become a part of my heart, life, and soul. I have to write about her story and share the beautiful precious soul that she is. I am not gifted with a talent for words, but hope that I can convey the struggle, love, and faith that were part of her short life here on Earth.

Aug 3rd, a Wednesday, Jared took me into the hospital when I was experiencing painful contractions. Because this pregnancy had been so complicated, I was hoping that this trip would be like the others, they check me and monitor me for a day or two and send me home. We got to the hospital and they gave me a couple terbutaline shots and were able to stop the contractions. I was moved over to an antepartum room so they could monitor me. The next day, Thursday, they gave me calcium channel blocker to keep the contractions away.

Unfortunately, they didn't work and the contractions started coming 3-4 min apart that evening. The doctors checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 3. When I heard the doctor say that I started experiencing the second scariest day of my life. I was taken back to labor and delivery and given magnesium sulfate. At this point I was 22 weeks and 6 days. In the Philadelphia region, doctors aren't allowed to try and resuscitate babies until 23 weeks. I needed to make it to midnight on Friday. Magnesium sulfate is a very strong drug feed through an IV, it makes you drowsy and hazy and feel very hot. All Friday I watched the clock counting down the hours till midnight. It was such a feeling of relief to watch the clock pass 12 that night. I received another round of steroid shots for her lung development. By Sunday night I was stable enough to lower the dose of mag sulfate and move me back to antepartum.

I remember the mag sulfate making me feel crummy but loving it because it was keeping me pregnant. I cherished every kick and nudge from my baby girl. I would fall asleep to the sound of her heart on the monitor. I remember trying to will my body to relax and work right for her. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare and have everything be okay.

Then Monday night, my water broke. I felt like we had just been handed complication after complication and felt like screaming, why was my baby being given so many challenges to make it into this world? The doctors checked my cervix again and surprisingly enough my cervix was dilated at a one. I felt a little hope. Tuesday morning, the team of doctors decided that it was too risky to keep me on the mag sulfate between the broken water and abrupted placenta, it could do more damage than good. They said that it could be a couple days or up to a week before I went into labor.

I wasn't lucky enough to make it farther than 4:00 before the contractions were coming consistently. At 5:00 I was checked and dilated to a 2-3 and moved over to labor and delivery. We had a friend come and help Jared give me a blessing. I remember Jared talking about how I would be okay and thinking don't talk about me, what about my baby. I felt pain for myself and for Jared that he couldn't give me the promise that my baby would be okay, but that Heavenly Father has a plan for her.

The contractions continued to come, shortly after 6:00 I had a series of contractions on top of each other and her heart rate dropped. This was the scariest moment of my life. The doctors believe this was when the placenta completely detached and I was rushed to the OR for emergency c-section. Teagan Faith was born Aug. 9, 2011 at 6:16pm, weighed 1 lb 4 oz, and was 11 inches long. Two neonatalogists did everything they could, she was just too little. Teagan only lived a short while before returning home to our Heavenly Father.

After I woke up in ICU, Jared told me she didn't make it, nothing can describe the pain and loss of that moment. The slightest movement would cause pain and I was in and out of it, but I thought that it fit, because my body felt like my heart- broken. Then they brought me Teagan. The time I spent holding and caressing her are moments that I will remember the rest of my life. I wanted to hold her forever. She was absolutely perfect. Her hair was starting to grow, her ears, hands, and feet were perfect and so tiny. Teagan had the Spicer eyelashes and Anderson feet. Teagan means beautiful, and she truly was beautiful and absolutely perfect, just so little.

It is amazing how much you can love someone so much. I had her with me for 23 weeks and 3 days, she became a permanent and eternal piece of my heart. The only way to cope is to rely on my faith that we will one day be reunited, that someday I will be able to raise her, and that Jared and I are sealed to her and no one can take that away from us. I am not strong enough to go through this alone, my Heavenly Father has been there for me and given me moments of peace through the anguish and grief. I don't understand it, but Heavenly Father's plan for her was only a short life measured in minutes and I would go through it all again, just to be her mother.

Pregnancy Update

The past few weeks have been chaotic and emotional. We are very excited to be expecting another addition into our family, a little girl! I never truly realized the blessing it was to have easy pregnancies with our first two children. I am not so lucky this time around, but still very grateful that things are continuing to progress.

About three weeks ago I first started experiencing bleeding around 20 wks. I was in and out of the hospital that week until they admitted me over the weekend until the bleeding would stop. The doctors suspected a chronic abruption of the placenta. I was released home on bed rest. During my 20wk ultrasound, the doctor believed that I had a complete placenta previa. The previa diagnosis was odd because it didn't show on other ultrasounds.

On Friday, July 22nd, I was experiencing heavy bleeding and again went into the hospital. The bleeding was causing contractions, which in turn would cause more bleeding. After a couple shots they were able to stop the contractions and slow the bleeding. The doctors explained that if the bleeding got worse they would have to do an emergency c-section. I was currently 23 wks along. They sent in the neonatalologist to discuss our options. After we decided that we would want to resuscitate if the need for a c-section arose the doctors gave me a round of steroid shots to help the baby's lung development. The doctors were able to get things settled down and stable and I was able to go home on Monday.

It was during this time that my team of doctors got together to discuss my due date. My original due date was Dec 3, but was moved up after my first doctor appt to Nov 20. However, during the 20 wk ultrasound, the baby's measurements were within 7-8 days of the Dec 3 due date. So it was decided to move back to the Dec 3 due date to cover all the bases and we will track the baby's development in regular scans further along in the pregnancy. It is also in the plan to give me another round of steroid shots when I hit 24 wks with the Dec 3 due date.

On Friday, July 29th I started experiencing painful, regular contractions. Again, into the hospital we went. They put in an IV with magnesium sulfate to stop the contractions. They slowly lowered the dose of the mag. until they were able to take me off it Sunday morning and sent me home with a few doses of indomethacin.

While I was in the hospital they did another ultrasound. There were two high risks doctors and three residents there with me trying to figure out what was going on. The ultrasound showed the placenta on the left side, away from the cervix. So my diagnosis gets changed again! It is back to the original diagnosis of chronic abruption of the placenta.

Chronic abruption of the placenta is when a piece of the placenta is detached from the uterus and there is a higher risk for preterm labor and stillbirth. I will continue to be on close watch and the doctors have said to expect to be in and out of the hospital through out the pregnancy.

Through all of this chaos I have seen how much we have been blessed by our Heavenly Father. He has blessed us with wonderful friends that have been there to take care of kids, bring meals, and just check in on us to make sure we are okay. He has blessed us with loving family members. My sisters Michele, Bekah, and C.C. have taken time out of their lives to be with us and help while I'm on bedrest. I have a wonderful mother and mother-in-law who are both planning trips to come and stay with us and help. And even more family and friends that have kept us in their prayers.

Most of all, our Heavenly Father has blessed us with His love. I have been so grateful to have the priesthood in our home and the strength that I have received from priesthood blessings and the knowledge that I have of the gospel. It has strengthened my faith that Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us, and even if we don't know what that plan is, He will be there for us, to comfort us and guide us.

Family Pics 2010

Turkey Day

We had a great Thanksgiving this year! My neighbor, Krista and I hosted the dinner and had a grand total of 36 people in our little homes. To accommodate for space we cleared the furniture out of our house and put it in Krista's living room, where there was then plenty of seats to watch the game. The food was in Krista's dining room and there were about five tables set up in our living room and dining room. It was a packed house, but it was great to gather as friends and be family for the day.


Of course there was plenty of food and no one went hungry!





Spicers, Tuckers, Tennys, and Goolsbys getting ready to eat.


Roberts, Jolleys, Clarks, and Schappers


The girls hitting up the ads to get ready for Black Friday. (which was great by the way)!

Halloween

I finally did it!! By that I mean updated the blog, well its not exactly updated, but at least you have something to look at other than Tate's orange cast. After numerous requests, here they are at last... Pics of my two adorable little vampires!! Bentli was originally going to be a princess, big surprise right? I decided that I would have Tate be her knight. Well, Bentli did surprise me when she informed me that she changed her mind and wanted to be a vampire. Since I was having a hard time finding an affordable knight costume, I decided that would be a great idea. So I picked up the fabic from Joann's and made the capes and sashes without too much headache.

Bentli got the phrase, "I vant ta suck your blood" down pat and loved chasing Tate around the house in her cape. Tate was less enthusiastic about the cape and resisted wearing it... until he figured out that he could get candy with it. Amazing what candy can do right?

We attended the ward Halloween party at the church with the customary trunk-or-treat (except it was inside the church because our church house has next to no parking lot). It was a lot of fun and the kids were on cloud nine with all the candy. I swear the candy turned them into real life Gremlins. The next day Tate would angrily yell at me "I want CANDY!!" So much fun dealing with the aftershock of Halloween.

Tate's cheese ball smile, believe it or not it is a smile not a grimace.

The week before Halloween I took the kids to a pumpkin patch out in New Jersey with all our Jersey friends. They had a blast on the hayride and picking out their pumpkin. Followed of course with apple cider and apple cider donuts, an East coast staple in the fall.


We carved pumpkins, or should I say, Jared and I carved pumpkins. Bentli was too grossed out by the pumpkins guts to touch it and Tate follows Bentli so he wouldn't touch it either.

Here is the finished product. The "T" is the logo for Temple University and their mascot is an owl. Bentli's pumpkin is the ghost and Tate's was the owl. They were pretty proud of their pumpkins that they watched mom carve.

We had a great time this Halloween. Bentli told me she wanted everyday to be Halloween. I have a feeling that she will be saying something along the same line this December.