A glimpse into my erratic mind

Its been four months. I am a roller coaster of emotions and I take it a day at a time. Just when I think things are getting easier it gets harder. I have had so many different things on my mind lately. I have been thinking a lot about the pre-existence. Joseph Smith said concerning children that die before the age of eight,"...they were too pure, to lovely to live on earth..." I believe that children who die before the age of accountability had already proved themselves. Was it some great act they performed that allowed them to bypass this life, only coming here to receive a body? Or was it just them, the pureness of their spirit and essence of themselves that did it? I don't know and I wonder what it was that Teagan did. Sometimes I wish Teagan could have been less perfect up there. Then she could stay here with us. But, that would change her, then she wouldn't be her... and really while I wish she could be here, I would never change her. I know its crazy and erratic, right! I still will always wonder what it was she did before coming to earth that allowed her to leave early.

I have heard people say they believe they chose their trials in the pre-existence. I don't know. I wonder if I signed up for this- becoming a baby loss mom. Did I agree to this? I can't imagine myself saying 'sure I can handle that'. I have always thought losing a child would be one of the worse things a person could go through. However, if I was given a choice: a) have Teagan and also lose her or b) never have her at all, I would hands down choose option A. Because as horrible as this is, she is still a part of our family... and always will be. Of course I would love a third option in there that included Teagan being with us here on earth, but that wasn't part of her plan. It obviously wasn't a choice. She is my pearl of great price. She is a beautiful, perfect spirit and in order for me to be her mother I had to pay a price so to speak.

A Christmas Dress

Bentli and I were walking through Target and were passing by the Infant and Toddler section of the store. The bright red clearance racks were calling me over to look through them for clothes for Tate. Unthinking I made the turn to head over to the racks. I was stopped in my tracks by adorable 0-3 month Christmas dresses. A gold satin dress with a black lace overlay. I clenched my jaw as I choked back the lump in my throat and tears burned my eyes. My heart sank as my reality hit me. I want to be checking the price tag and looking for matching tights and shoes. I want to be juggling the car seat and a ridiculously over-packed diaper bag.

I took a deep... shaky breath and turned around. I need to hold it together. I don't need the clearance rack that bad. Bentli and I went on to the toy section so she could pick out a Christmas present for her brother. I wish I was bringing Teagan home from the hospital. My mind knows that she is fulfilling Heavenly Father's plan for her. My heart knows she is happy and with us often. But I miss her... so much.

Christmas in the Big Apple

December 3rd was a... hard day. It represented one of the biggest 'if onlys' and 'should be'. I should be having a baby now or at least bringing her home from the NICU. I didn't want to dwell on these all day, so we got in the car and headed up to New York City. We parked in Staten Island and took the ferry across, the kids loved it.

Tate told us he was looking for sharks, and can you believe it-- he says he saw a shark and a dolphin! He makes me laugh.

We had to see Santa. We went to Macy's Santaland. The kids loved riding the escalator up seven floors, it seriously was any kid's dream. We were pleasantly surprised when we only had to wait in line for an hour. The line was HUGE, Macy's sure knows how to do it.

The had some great model trains. The this is a pic of the kids next in line to see Santa-- he was right around the corner!


This is the first year that I didn't have a screaming kid who was forced onto Santa's lap. Bentli asked for a Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Doll and Tate asked for T-Rex. I think Tate would have sat and talked to Santa all day long.


Apparently a Saturday in Dec in NYC is CrAzY!! The sidewalks were literally packed. We were glad we didn't have any strollers to weave in the crowd. I wish I would have taken some photos of the window displays-- the were amazing!


The Rockefeller Christmas Tree. It was of course huge!



It was a good trip and we were all exhausted when we made it home. It was still a hard day. I was wishing that I was navigating a huge stroller with my baby in it or that I was home with my baby. Wishing that 5th person was in the photos with us. I made it through the day, glad its over.

Salem MA

The beginning of November, my sister Melody had a medical conference in Boston. (Can't believe I'm old enough to have a little sister who is doctor!) Since another sister, Michele, lives in Salem which is just half an hour outside of Boston, the kids and I jumped in the car and drove up. The first night we drove into Melody's hotel and went swimming, the kids could have done it all night long. On Saturday, we all went exploring Salem. It is a beautiful little town and home to the famous Salem witch trials. They even have a town witch. The photos of the leaf fight was at the park in 'Hocus Pocus'. My favorite Halloween movie. The kids did so well in the six hour car ride, we were lucky enough to hit the NYC traffic just right, but Boston was a bit tricky. November started out really rough, so it was good to just get away for a little bit.

Melody was by far the fun one, with lots of energy and chased around with the kids.

A Harry Potter store, it was closed, but it looked really cute! And the gang: Mel Travis Michele Bentli and Tate






Our awesome leaf fight. The kids saw the fire truck and were so excited when one of the firemen were Travis' friends and let them climb in the fire truck and hold an axe.

Thanksgiving 2011

We had a lot of fun this thanksgiving. I was really lucky to have family come and see me! My brother Jake, who just moved to North Carolina, flew up to spend it with us and my sister Michele and her boyfriend Travis drove down from Boston. We cooked up a storm. We had way too much good food and lots of laughs. My mom will be mad, but I was so busy I forgot to take any pictures of dinner. So here are a few of the kids with Uncle Jake.

Jake gave Tate this pillow case with fighter jets on it. Tate can name all the different planes on it now and knows which one Uncle Jake flies. He was pretty bummed that Jake didn't fly his plane to our house but said it was okay because there isn't anywhere to park it.

I love this pic of Tate, it is hard to capture his real smile instead of his cheesy camera smile.

It's Autumn Time

Here are a couple fun things we did this autumn

We went to New Hope with Grandma Robbie when she came to visit. It is a cute little town with loads of fun character. There was a little French pastry shop, I could have eaten it all. I should have taken more pictures, I guess we needed Grandpa John!

And of course Bentli's soccer team!
It was classic bunch ball, but Bentli got right in there and loved it. She jumped right up after she would trip and get trampled. She really liked playing goalie and she even saved a few goals!





































Tate and our friend Kate watching their sister and brother play. Tate loved watching Bentli and would cheer for her. He really loved that my friend Michelle would bring lots of snacks for them.

Thankful

I have been meaning to write a thankful post all month. While this period in our lives has been beyond hard, we have also been extremely blessed. I could go on and on with all the things we have been blessed with, so I will just keep it to the ones that have been on my mind this month.
I AM THANKFUL FOR:

• the scriptures- such a great source of knowledge and instruction
  
• temples- I miss being close to one
  
• our wonderfully diverse ward we live in- we really love the people in our ward family
  
• the gospel- how could you live without it?
  
• opportunity for Jared to go to school- and grateful for the hard work he puts into it
• prayer- through everything I have learned that even if Heavenly Father doesn't answer your prayers the way you want, He will NOT abandon you and He will be there to sooth your aching heart
• amazing friends- ones that have stuck by me through all my crazy and irrational moments, ones that send love from afar, ones still praying for me, ones who still check on me... so many things they do, and it means the world to me
• the best family it the world- Jared and I have the best family and I know that I can rely on every single one of them
• Bentli- I am so glad she is the oldest, she is the most wonderful big sister. She takes her duty as big sister very seriously, she will do anything for her siblings. She has such a tender and loving heart. She is full of sass and can be challenging, but I LOVE it. She keeps me on my toes. She soaks up information like a sponge and is so smart. She is our artist and loves to make us all happy with all her artwork she makes us.
• Tatum- I love my boy. He makes me smile every day and his favorite thing to do is make you laugh. He will do anything for a laugh. His smile is beautiful and I love how his eyes pretty much close when he smiles, just like me. Tatum means cheerful, and he fits his name perfectly. He is all boy and so busy trying to keep up with his big sister who he adores.
  
• Teagan- I got to know Teagan during my pregnancy, she only had nice loving kicks for her mama, she was very sweet. I often wonder what it was she did in the pre-existence to get out of living in this world. She is so pure and beautiful, her spirit is beyond description. I am blessed to have her as a daughter. She has changed me just as much, if not more, than my other children. She has taught me faith, love, and to cherish every moment you have with those you love.
• Jared- I decided to marry him at the young age of 19, and it is the best decision I have ever made. I love his humor. I love his dedication to our family, he is a wonderful father. He is my rock and my calming influence. He has so much faith, such an example to me. I would be lost without him.
• Forever Families- I cling to this knowledge. Losing Teagan has made me appreciate in a whole new way how miraculous and wonderful eternal families are. I eagerly await the resurrection when our family can be together again. How would I survive without this knowledge?

• The Atonement- the amazing amount of love that our Savior has for each of us is astounding. That He loves us so much to suffer for us and make Heavenly Father's plan possible is humbling. Not only has He made 'the plan' possible, but He also understands every heart break, pain, and sorrow.

I have so much to be grateful for.