Six long months

Happy six month birthday to my baby girl, Teagan. I don't know why hitting the half way point of the first year was so significant to me, but it was. Maybe because while very early in my grief I felt like we would never get here. It has been an emotional day for me and trying to put all those feelings into words is difficult. Last night I was thinking about how I was feeling and what I was thinking 6 mo ago (the night before Teagan was born). I was laying in a hospital bed with IVs and wires on every limb. Nurses had a hard time finding new places for all the needles and my doctor had confirmed that my water had broke. Part of me felt bad for 'past me', I had no idea what was coming. I knew the risks, but the idea that she wouldn't make it... it never really sunk in. I guess that was my denial. I thought Teagan would have some major challenges to overcome. Problems that could very likely challenger her for her whole life. And I was ready to dedicate my life to her. I just couldn't accept that her life would be as short as it was.

Last night and tonight I have been thinking on all the changes I've been through. I can now see how innocent I was before. Now I know true heartbreak and sorrow. I know what it feels like to be crushed and feel completely broken. I know what it is like to have a piece of your heart missing. I know what it feels like to ache for someone so bad it physically hurts. I know anxiety, anger, and confusion. I know grief.

Those emotions are not the only things I know. I know the comfort of a loving husband and sweet children. I know the look of true friends and caring family. I know the wonderful effects of prayer. I have felt the love from prayers offered on my behalf. I know my prayers have been heard by a merciful God. I know the feel of the Savior easing our burdens. I know how truly miraculous the gift of the Atonement is. I know faith and hope. And I know love.

"...we can’t fully appreciate joyful reunions later without tearful separations now. The only way to take sorrow out of death is to take love out of life." -Elder Russel M. Nelson

Teagan's First Christmas

This was my favorite part of our vacation. My best Christmas gift was to go home and see Teagan's grave again. It was the first time we had been back since the funeral. I love the spot that she is buried in. She shares a plot with Jared's Uncle Ronald, who died when he was just a few days old. I wish I could visit more often and decorate for all the holidays, but I am glad she is buried around family and somewhere we will always come and visit. These are some pictures on Christmas Eve.

This was the first time we saw her headstone. I love it! Those are her footprints! Butterflies have been very significant in our family and now represent Teagan to us. The quote is from Joseph Smith... it comforts me when I often ask 'why'.

Our family. I love it, but it does make me cry. I think all our family pictures from here on out will make me cry... there is a person missing. But always near.

All the cousins

Christmas was hard. The day itself wasn't bad. We had a wonderful day with family. It was hard after everyone went to bed and all the thoughts and emotions came to the surface. I was very grateful for family who took care of our kids the next day while I slept and 'recovered'. And very grateful for Jared, who took care of me.

I am blessed.

The Runway

As I was looking through our Christmas pictures, I think I figured out where Bentli got her 'diva model' attitude. While I was busy cleaning and cooking, my beautiful sisters (and brother) were working on their portfolio. I was disappointed that I didn't have any of C.C. cause she normally has some really good ones! They make me laugh so hard and they are going to be so mad that I put these up!

Christmas 2011

Little bit late. But this usually happens when I have an overload of pictures to post. For some reason it is just so hard to get the pictures from my camera to my computer. Lazy. We had so much fun with everyone and the kids were so disappointed to go home and only have boring old mom for entertainment.

Gingerbread houses. Can you say sugar high?
I was impressed that Tate had any candy left to put on his house.

Temple Square. Andersons met up with the Spicers to enjoy the lights.
I love sipping hot chocolate while freezing my bum off.

Early Chirstmas with the Andersons. We had a pinata, a huge dinner, presents and lots and lots of good family fun.

Bentli with Baby Eden

Girl time with Aunt CC. Kayda, Bentli, and Kenzie

Tate playing Airplane with Uncle Vett

After Jared flew in, we headed up to the Spicers. We were so lucky that Santa and Mrs. Claus actually came to our house on Christmas Eve!

Funny side note: Grandpa Chris had been teasing the kids that the Grinch was going to be in Idaho for Christmas this year. Tate was very adamant and vocal that Santa needed to watch out for the Grinch!

Christmas Eve sibling gift exchange. I love watching the kids get excited about giving. I love how they ask each other twenty times if they liked the gift they got them.

Christmas morning! Bentli got her Lalaloopsy Doll and Tate got his T-Rex. They had a great Christmas!

Its almost a tradition now to go and play at Randy's gym. So much fun.

Ever since last year, Bentli has been looking forward to going skiing again. We decided to bring Tate too. He was really excited when we were renting the skis... not so much when we got to the hill. He spent most the time wrapped around my legs-- it was an awesome work out! By the end though he was laughing and having a blast, so totally worth it.

Bentli was doing so well! She was going down all by herself and having a wonderful time. Once Tate calmed down and realized how fun it could be, he was yelling "faster mom, faster.... careful, careful!"

Lose Control

I have quite a bit of blogging to do, about our Christmas and trip home. But as I sit here, all I can think of is my baby. My baby would have been five months old. What would Teagan have looked like? Would she favor the Spicers or the Andersons? Would she have been another high maintenance baby or the happy care free kind. She definitely would have been spoiled by all of us. Five months... it feels like years ago. At times it is hard to remember the person I was before. Not necessarily care-free, there were stresses in my life, but now those worries seem so trivial and unimportant. I have changed these past five months. I am trying to make those changes into something better, instead of for the worse. It feels as if my entire life has been tipped on its head and I'm trying to redefine the things in my world... maybe not redefine, but organize everything into its rightful place with important things were they belong- at the top.

I have felt completely out of control. I couldn't control my body to carry Teagan to term, my life didn't follow the plan I had, and I am completely out of control of my emotions. Break downs are spacing out and it is getting better and I try to control these too. It doesn't work, I try to allow myself time to cry but the tears won't come when they are on the schedule, they like take me off guard. Haha, figures! I have faith, but my trust has been shaken. I feel vulnerable and there is no way to protect myself from life. I know that just because we have gone through this hell, it doesn't exempt me from future trials and that scares the crap out of me! So, I have thrown my hands up in the air and decided to lose control. I am trying to turn control over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows what is really going on and what will happen. Heavenly Father, you have my cooperation... guide me! I pray for guidance and peace. Also time to heal, I don't think I could handle any more big trials right now. Heavenly Father, guide me back home to my baby girl!

9 years!

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life! Nine years ago we were married in the Idaho Falls Temple for time and all eternity. I have said this before and I will continue to say it, marring Jared was the best decision that I have ever made in my life. It has led me to where I am today. Because of that wonderful decision we have three amazing children. I think we have a pretty awesome eternal family!

Let me tell you a little bit about my honey. We met on a blind date, I was fresh out of high school and Jared had just returned from his mission. We clicked and after he got the guts to call me for a second date... we were always together. Jared knows how to push my buttons more than anyone else, I think its cause he knows me so well! However, he is also my calming influence, he calms my worries and fears. He knows how to make me happy. Jared can be sarcastic and often uses his humor to make me laugh during an argument (after which I want to be angry at him for making me laugh but I can't). He is currently working very hard in school for our family. I love that he wants me to be able to stay at home with our children. Jared also has incredible faith, many people don't get to see this side of him and it is a side of him I absolutely love.

It has been an eventful nine years. We have had wonderful happiness and hardships in those years. The passing of Teagan was a hardship I never thought we would have to endure, but we lean on each other and we stumble through this life together. Our marriage is by no means perfect, we have had ups and downs. But we love each other and we make our life good. I look forward to spending the rest of eternity with him. I love you Jared!

My First Christmas In Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
This sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we are really not apart.

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
For after all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

So please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I cannot count the blessings for the love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

--Author Unknown

My sweet neighbor gave me this poem. She always remembers Teagan and is never afraid to talk about her (and for that I will always love her). I love this poem, and I bawled when I first read it. Simply because I can imagine Teagan telling me the same thing. I know she is happy and wishes this wasn't so hard on me.