Four hundred seventy-five...

475

That is the amount of LilyWraps, or blankets, we were able to deliver to hospitals on Teagan's Birthday/Angel Day.  Eighty-four is the number of flannel diapers we were able to deliver.  I love those numbers, I am so amazed.  When I started this project, I was hoping for 200.  I can't believe we more than doubled that.

**This number does not include the blankets that have been made and given to people's local hospitals.... I love it!

When we delivered the LilyWraps, the nurses at the hospital asked if I did this all on my own.  My answer was a big "No."  There is no way I could have pulled this off on my own.  Not even close.

I am humbled with gratitude from the outpouring of love from so many people.  Many of these people I have never met, others close friends, and others family.   Honestly, I can't even find the words to express how this whole project has made me feel.  I am so awed by the generosity of everyone who has helped me be able to give back.  

I know these blankets will be a priceless gift to a grieving mother.  A gift she will hold on to for the rest of her life, being able to wrap her tiny baby in a blanket made just for them.  A blanket that will be one of the few tangible objects she has of her child's life. It will become a connection to her angel.  I thank everyone who made this possible, from the bottom of my heart, thank you!

People sent packages of material

  Packages of already made wraps

I received a package of Teeny Tears Diapers

Tate and Bentli were disappointed at first that all these incoming packages were for Mom and not them.  Once they learned what all these packages contained and what they were for, they were excited with me.  A package would come and would be followed by, "Its another one... Mom, Mom, another package!"  Every package would bring tears of gratitude and happiness.

So many generous people donated money.  Believe me, it was all put to good use!  My kids weren't as excited about the amount of time spent in JoAnns.  Haha.   I wish I would have kept track of how many yards material I ended up buying.  And then so many of my dear neighbors and friends here in Philly chipped in cutting, pinning, ironing, and sewing these blankets up.  So, so much help!

Bentli was excited to help by tying the blankets up with the tag.  It was great mother-daughter bonding time as we would sit and tie together.  She would often remind me how lucky I was that she knew how to tie a bow and could help out so much!

Here is a picture of 375 of the blankets.  100 of them had already been sent to hospitals in Idaho (near Teagan's grave) and Indiana.

84 Diapers!

August 9th, we delivered wraps to Lankenau Hospital.  As I sat waiting for the nurse to come, I thought of my baby.  This is where our sweet little Teagan spent her whole life, all 29 minutes.  This is the hospital of doctors and nurses who did everything they possibly could to give her a chance.  This is the hospital where so many of the staff treated us with so much compassion during the most devastating event in our lives.  I will always remember this place and the people who are so much a part of Teagan's life. 

The nurses were so excited to receive these blankets, to be able to swaddle other tiny angels.

 Cute pic of the kids in the car on the way from Lankenau to Jefferson

A random connection lead us to Jefferson hospital, located downtown Philly.  They were also so excited and happy to receive this donation.

What we have once enjoyed and deeply loved we can never lose, for all that we love deeply becomes and part of us. 

--Helen Keller

4 days...

There is a pit in my stomach.  A bundle of anxious nerves that is gnawing on my emotions. 

I don't know what to do with it. 

I pray for peace.  I know peace will come.  Sometimes it takes time though.  Sometimes you have to wait for the answer to your prayers.

Four days until Teagan's birthday.  One year of missed memories.  One year of missed smiles and giggles and cuddles.  A year of not kissing her precious face.  One whole year...

I wish I would only think of it as a whole year closer to seeing her again.  A year closer that glorious reunion.  Sometimes, more and more often, I do think like that and its wonderful when I am in that mindset.  But, sometimes I need to be sad. 

Its one thing I wish everyone could understand when it comes to grieving.  It is something I have been learning this year.  The anger, sadness, anxiety... all those not fun emotions have to happen.  I can't pray away those emotions every time.  It doesn't mean that I don't have enough faith. 

It means I am human.

It means that God is allowing me to weather the storm.  He is helping me to become a better person, a stronger person.  And I know He will help me walk out of this storm with a stronger, more purposeful step and sense of direction for my life and for my family's life.

For Once, Then, Something

For Once, Then, Something

By Robert Frost

  

Others taunt me with having knelt at well-curbs

Always wrong to the light, so never seeing

Deeper down in the well than where the water

Gives me back in a shining surface picture

Me myself in the summer heaven godlike

Looking out of a wreath of fern and cloud puffs.

Once, when trying with chin against a well-curb,

I discerned, as I thought, beyond the picture,

Through the picture, a something white, uncertain,

Something more of the depths—and then I lost it.

Water came to rebuke the too clear water.

One drop fell from a fern, and lo, a ripple

Shook whatever it was lay there at bottom,

Blurred it, blotted it out. What was that whiteness?

Truth? A pebble of quartz? For once, then, something.

For some reason I have always really liked this poem since reading it in high school.  I feel like I am searching for that pebble of quartz.  Every once in awhile, I look in the water just right and I am able to see that whiteness.  Every once in awhile I gain some insight into why Teagan couldn't stay.  Every now and then see more of the big picture.  It can be so fleeting.  And sometimes, just when I think I'm beginning to understand there is a ripple.  Then I have to find a different way to look into the water to try and find that 'truth' again.  The one thing I can tell you about that pebble of quartz, 'the bigger picture', its beautiful.  God made it and it's wonderful.  Our Father in Heaven has a plan for our family.  And even though some days I can't see it, I know its still there. 

One month away...

Today is July 9th.  One month away from August 9th.  One month away from Teagan's birthday and angel day.  One month away from a day I am anticipating and dreading.  A friend told me that in most cases the anticipation is worse than the day itself.  So far its been true for me, not because the 'big days' are easy, but because the anxiety leading up to it really, really, sucks.  Sometimes I just want it to be here so I get through it and have it over and stop worrying about it.  And other times I don't want it to get here.  I don't want it to be a whole year since I have held my baby, touched my baby, and kissed my baby.

I'm trying to figure out everything to make Teagan's day perfect.  Its hard to figure out how much you want to do on that day.  Am I going to have the emotional energy?  I need it to be special, but I don't want to put so much expectations on it that I will feel like I failed if it doesn't go perfectly.  I have an idea of how I want it to go in my head... but I know something will go wrong and I will be a big bawling mess because of it. 

It has been eleven months since I had to say good-bye.  I am on the path to healing and things are so much better than those first months.  I have grown and changed.  I have developed a closer relationship to my Heavenly Father.  I am improving, but I still to miss Teagan everyday.  I ache for her everyday.  She is constantly on my mind, thinking how things would be different, wondering what she is doing, wondering if she is close by, and wishing for one more moment with her.  Knowing that someday, I will have eternity with her... I hold on to that. 

The 4th of July

No one does the 4th of July like Philly!  Being the birthplace of America, they celebrate for a week.  There are so many different activities and events going on, its hard to choose what to go to.  We kicked off our holiday with fireworks at Penn's Landing on the Delaware River. 

The Roberts and the Clarks came to party it up with us

Some of our favorite neighbors, the Tenny's, had us over on the 3rd to watch the Upper Darby fireworks from their backyard.  It was great fun! (but I forgot my camera, oops)

Of course we had to go downtown for the Philadelphia parade!  We love this parade.  For as loud and as fun as it is... there is also an incredible spirit there.  A gratitude that you feel for all the men and women who have fought, are fighting, and will fight for our country.  I always think of my brother, Jake, who is a pilot in the Air Force.  I think of the times he was deployed.  How grateful I am that he is safe and of how incredibly proud of him we all are.  There were many times during the parade that I couldn't help but tear up.  So proud to be an American!!

They started the parade with a military jets fly-over.  We, especially Tate, were so amazed.  It definitely reminded us of our 'Uncle Jake'.

Watching the Revolutionary Soldiers march down the street, playing 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic' is so incredible.  The video doesn't do it justice.  It humbles you to think of the sacrifices those men and women made.

The red flag is for 9-11.  I couldn't get a good pic, but it has the twin towers with a star where each of them were hit.  Another very touching part of the parade.

Have to get a pic in front of Independence Hall on Independence Day.  The amazing things that happened in this building!

After the parade ended,  we headed home and I had to force the kids to take a nap if they wanted to go to fireworks... again.  The big firework show in Philly is by the Philadelphia Art Museum (made popular from the movie 'Rocky').  I didn't have the courage to brave the crowds by myself, there isn't a subway nearby.... it would have been crazy finding parking.  We opted for the Narberth (a township/suburb of Philly) fireworks.  Went with our friends the Roberts and the Clarks.  It was great fun!  Definitely worth it.

Kids played card games waiting for the fireworks to start. (Connor, Bentli, and Ashley)

Craft Night

 I finally completed the first batch of wraps for the hospital.  And my 'I', I mean 'we'.  I had some wonderful neighbors and friends come over and we busted a bunch of wraps out.  We were able to accomplish a lot that night and my neighbor Krista and I were able to finish it all up.  We were able to make 82 wraps so far!  I am so excited. 

I have received a couple more donations and so will be one last trip Joann's next week to buy fabric.  I might have to beg a couple more friends to come and help out with the last batch of wraps.  I have been so truly humbled by the generous donations that people have made.  I think I cry every time I get a donation or see the projects people are working on for it.  I am so incredibly grateful for the kind hearts of so many people.

Sherrie and Krista... slaving away

Mary Jane was so great to pin for us

Emily sewing away!

My sweet friend Dani, made and sent these sweet little diapers all the way from Hawaii!  They are so tiny.  I love the card that comes with each diaper.

My curbside find

This is my curbside find.  Philly has this great tradition of of putting your junk on the curb before garbage day.  The garbage man will take anything, so if no one picks it up, then it at least gets hauled away the next day.  Many wonderful finds are on the curbs of Philly!  So, I saw this gem and immediately fell in love with it, it has fantastic lines.  Better yet, it was on my own street.  I grabbed my neighbor Amee and made her help me haul it back to my house.  I forgot to take a 'before' pic before I took it apart.

The 'work zone'

This was quite the project!  My wonderful neighbor, Krista, helped me do it-- so so grateful for her help!  First we primed it.  Gave it a couple coats of Behr 'Mongolia Blossom' white.  Sanded the last coat of paint with a 320 grade sandpaper to give it a nice smooth finish.  It was looking so great.  After advice from the web and Home Depot, we gave it a top coat of polyurethane.  BIG mistake!  It turned it yellow!  It was horrible.  NEVER top a white paint with polyurethane!  I wanted to cry.

yellowed polyurethane

 So, we got to start over!  We knew what we were doing the second time through so we were able to do it in one day.  We gave it a light sanding so the primer had something to stick to again.  Primed it, painted it, sanded it again.  And debated and debated about what to do about a top coat.  We tested Poly-acrylic out, made sure it was safe before we put it on the whole thing.  I love the Poly-acrylic!  So much better.

And the finished project.  I love the look and love the extra storage in my dining room.  I'm in love!