This next week is a big week. The kids and I are flying home for my
adorable little sister's wedding. I know that Celeste and Judd will be
very happy together and we are excited to welcome him into our big crazy
family. We are so excited to be able to see all our family and just
have fun and laugh together.
Mother's Day is this Sunday
also. No, it is not my first Mother's Day. Yes, I have two living
children here to celebrate with me. But, this is my first Mother's Day
as a bereaved parent. Its giving me anxiety. Maybe because I have no
idea what to expect and it scares me. I have no idea where my emotions
are going to be. I will be back home on vacation during this big day
and Jared will be here in Philly doing rotations. I want to be able to
gather all my kiddos in my arms and squeeze them and kiss them. It does
help that I have two kids here to do that with, but it doesn't take
away the part of my heart that aches for Teagan.
Teagan would have been nine months old on Wednesday.
Nine months... it feels like longer. I know that first birthday is
right around the corner. I've been thinking about that day a lot
lately. Maybe because our little neighbor boy, Cannon, just had his
first birthday. Cannon's birthday was unexpectedly emotional for me.
It highlighted one more thing I won't be doing with my baby. However, I
hope Teagan's first birthday will still have celebrations. We will
still celebrate her life and the day she became an eternal piece of our
family. I hope to honor her on that day.
We have decided to make LilyWraps to donate to Lankenau Hospital
on Teagan's birthday. I talked with a nurse today and found that they
have a need for small blankets. They do get some donations, but most
are too big for the tiniest little angels. These mothers and fathers
deserve to have a pretty blanket to wrap up their angel as they have to do
the unspeakable and say good-bye to their child. I am getting excited
for this project and I would love any help or donations for this. As
soon as I get back from my sister's wedding, I will post more about
needed materials, directions to make LilyWraps, etc. I hope we can help
some mothers, just a little bit, who have to journey down this
difficult road.
Teagan Baby,
Oh, how I miss you. This separation
is so hard. I often wonder if it would be easier if I knew when it
would end or if I could just get updates on how you are doing and what
you have been up to. I wonder what is keeping you busy. I know you
must be busy, cause I don't feel you around as much. I may be crazy,
but sometimes, I just know that you are there. Sometimes during family
time or quiet times at night when the grief can be overwhelming. I
think about you always, constantly. I love to talk about you with
people. I love to share my perfect baby girl. I love you and will
continue to love you forever and ever!
8 comments:
Awe and Jenny I love you! How long will you be here? (UT??) I hope it goes well. Sometimes it can be extra hard when holidays hit around their "days."
Saying a prayer for you for mothers day I know it will be hard....for me also. Have a blessed trip!
My advice: don't go to church on Mother's Day. Yes, you do have other children, but while you're missing your angel, Mother's Day is nothing but a difficult reminder of who's missing.
I didn't go to church on my first Mother's Day after Ella passed away. The Sunday before (I was a primary teacher), the primary decided they wanted to practice singing the Mother's Day song they were going to perform in Sacrament meeting the next week.
I sat there as they sang "mother, I love you" for about ten seconds, then I just couldn't keep it together and had to leave the room. I felt like such an idiot.
In answer to your last comment on my blog, yes baby blessings have gotten easier with another baby coming. But they are sometimes still hard. I hated going to them for a long time. And even though I was pregnant at the time of my niece's recent blessing, it was still very hard on me. It comes and goes in weird, awful waves.
But it does get better.
Love you, sweet Jennie! I hope your trip is full of fun times and happy kids and family and smiles!
I'll be thinking of you on Mother's Day. Where in Utah will you be? I'd love to meet up with you if time allowed. Keep us posted on the project. I'd love to help where I can!
Thinking of you always and I for sure what to help out in any way - it's a great idea. i don't think most people realize that preemies or stillbirths are so small. Can't wait to hear the details.
I think of your often...especially since we share Aug 9th...will definitely be thinking about you and your family as that day quickly approaches.
It is a very bittersweet holiday, I agree. I'm sorry that it will be hard, but I'll be here for you too. I can't wait to see more on the blankets, I really want to help, and make some for my local hospitals too. Love you!
MOthers Day is defianetly harder with a angel in heaven... I remember my 1st one I cried and said I wasnt celebrating it anymore. My husband reminded me that I still had 2 children on earth who I needed to celebrate for and that the one in heaven would be sending love from above! I think its such a sweet thing you are doing for the tiny babies at the hospital. You are amazing!! I will be keeping you in my thoughts!! I nominated you for a blog award on my blog. Thanks so much for your love and example!
I'm glad you'll get to come and visit family and visit Teagan. I too worried about Mothers Day and I still do. Although last year I worried and I was fine. That doesn't every year will be that way though. Good Luck and hopefully you'll have your mom there to put her arm around you and help you make it through the day.
Love you and I hope you have a good vacation.
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