There is a pit in my stomach. A bundle of anxious nerves that is gnawing on my emotions.
I don't know what to do with it.
I pray for peace. I know peace will come. Sometimes it takes time though. Sometimes you have to wait for the answer to your prayers.
Four days until Teagan's birthday. One year of missed memories. One year of missed smiles and giggles and cuddles. A year of not kissing her precious face. One whole year...
I wish I would only think of it as a whole year closer to seeing her again. A year closer that glorious reunion. Sometimes, more and more often, I do think like that and its wonderful when I am in that mindset. But, sometimes I need to be sad.
Its one thing I wish everyone could understand when it comes to grieving. It is something I have been learning this year. The anger, sadness, anxiety... all those not fun emotions have to happen. I can't pray away those emotions every time. It doesn't mean that I don't have enough faith.
It means I am human.
It means that God is allowing me to weather the storm. He is helping me to become a better person, a stronger person. And I know He will help me walk out of this storm with a stronger, more purposeful step and sense of direction for my life and for my family's life.
13 comments:
you are so, so right! i wish i would have learned these things earlier. but when we learn the lesson i guess that's when we learn the lesson.
i'll be praying for you this week. i hope Teagan's day is wonderful. you're amazing!
I'm thinking of you. I'm sure all of the emotions are overwhelming, and I agree that unfortunately certain emotions have to be felt. I hope you will receive peace as well. Love you always.
So beautifully put. I'm thinking of you, your family, and Teagan this week and praying for your comfort!
Oh I love you! I feel like I start all my comments that way. I have been thinking about you lots, in the most random places. The anxiety before is so terrible. I will be praying for you, and thinking of you!
Beautifully written from a beautiful hear. Praying for you as one year approaches!
I'll be praying for you this week!
I've been thinking about you this week! You're so strong, wish I was there to give you a hug. But know that I'm saying a little prayer for you and that you are so loved!
Jennie,
You have a great outlook and I totally get the need to be sad at times. Sometimes you just need to sit and thing about what you're missing and really cry for a bit. Then later you can go about your day and you feel a release from the building emotions. Hang in there, for me the day's Prior to Gabie's Birthday and Angelversary are much worse than the day itself. Your family will be in my prayers.
I've been thinking of you. Lots of thoughts and emotions this week I know. You'll have a beautiful day, though, and she'll be close.
I had a thought hit me while I was feeding my kids breakfast this morning and that was that our kids somehow bring out the best in us - they help us (more than we realize I think) become more patient, more Christlike, more everything. And I thought of you and your sweet family. I thought about how even in such a short time, Teagan left such an impression on you and all those around her. I know she has changed you forever and it seems she only needed the tiniest window of time to do that. Perhaps she did more in that window than she could have done in a full long life here on Earth. Even in heaven I believe she is helping bring out the best in you and those around you. I believe she knows your fears and anxieties toward her birthday and will be there - your angel - to help comfort her sweet mother!
Thinking of you today...been stuck in my own bubble and need to catch up on your blog but I wanted to let you know that I am thinking of you, your family and Teagan today. Hope the day is gentle on you ((hugs))
Thinking of you today! This was beautifully written! I hope you feel teagan near today! Big hugs!!!
Exactly...we have enough faith, I hate when people tell me that if I am sad then it means that I don't trust in heavenly fathers plan. That is NOT at all true, aren't we allowed to miss our children?
I hope that yesterday was a way for you to focus (as much as possible) on the positive of celebrating such a wonderful, beautiful spirit. Know that I thought a TON about you and prayed that you would be comforted in whatever way that you needed to be. I will always feel connected to you since our children share the same angel day ((hugs))
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