What to do?

So Teagan's due dates are approaching. Yes, due dates-- I'm lucky enough to get two. There was some confusion with the last period date and ultasounds, so I got two. So now I am looking forward to two 'punch me in the gut and kick me while I'm down' days. Two days to wonder 'what if...' and 'if only...' Two days, that would be very significant if my world was how it should be. (Now, I know Heavenly Father has a plan-- but knowing that doesn't take away the pain right now)

A nurse from my doctor's office called me today to see how I was doing physically and emotionally. She suggested planning something on those days (something out of the ordinary). The days are Nov 20 and Dec 3. I'm not sure what to plan, I don't want anything big, but something that will help take my mind off the 'what ifs'. Any ideas??

Halloween

Last year Tate and Bentli had matching costumes. Bentli chose them, Tate is now three and has an opinion. So, as much as I love themed costumes, I think we are done with those now that Tate has a mind of his own. Tate chose Batman. He loves Batman, he's got the underwear and everything. He was so proud of his costume. Bentli, after much debate between princesses or butterfly, decided to be a witch. I was surprised but glad-- easy costume! She then told me, "I will be a witch this year, a butterfly next year, and the next year.. I will be Lady Gaga". WHAT?! For real Bentli? I don't know where she comes up with this stuff, but it gave me a laugh.


We of course carved pumpkins too. The kids didn't want to stick their hands in and get them dirty. I (in true Anderson fashion) made them, with dire threats of punishment if they didn't suck it up and at least touch it. They are hilarious and make me laugh, sure do love those two and their antics!


These are the finished product! Mine and Bentli's is the witch (to match her costume) and Jared and Tate's is the (can you guess?)--- of course the Texas Longhorns! Funny side note, Tate saw it after Jared was done carving it and said, " oh, Teckas Long-orns". Jared has trained his son well. (the other pumpkins belong to friends of ours that came to carve with us... more the merrier!)
We had fun Halloween filled with loads and loads of candy. Time to pick out the good chocolate pieces and slowly throw out the rest each night after the kids have gone to bed!

Blankets and Frosties

Sometimes it is hard to remember that I am not the only one grieving in this house. It is easy to get wrapped up in my own emotions. I was very attentive to their needs right after Teagan died, but children can only handle these emotions for short periods of time before they have to take a break from them. But just because they take a break from them, it doesn't mean that they are "over it". These emotions, feelings and questions they have are just as valid and just as important as mine, and need to be recorded on our blog also.

Many people would think a three year old wouldn't understand much. This is a very incorrect assumption. Tatum understands it in a very simple matter of fact way. He does get sad when we discuss Teagan and says he misses her. Both of my children would talk, hug and kiss my belly everyday and they miss that she is no longer there. For a long time he would ask about every baby he saw. He would say, "Does that baby work?" Sometimes followed by a "Teagan doesn't work". I was able to over hear a conversation with one of his nursery friends on Sunday, when he explain in a matter of fact way, that his baby sister died. This is his 3 yr old way of working out his feelings.

Bentli was very hurt by the loss of Teagan. She had been looking forward to having a baby sister since she was three years old. She is still mourning the loss and has many questions about death. She tells many, friends and strangers about Teagan's story. Others need to know about her love for her baby sister that is not here. We will often have 'Teagan talks', when we both share something we were looking forward to doing with her. Bentli's favorites are being able to wrap Teagan in her yellow blanket (for those who know Bentli and her blanket, know how significant this is). And she wanted to feed Teagan a frosty (from Wendy's), another of Bentli's favorite things. Bentli is a very perceptive person and is always first to notice and give me a hug during hard times.

I am so grateful for all three of my children and how each of them have added so much to my life. I pray I can be the mother that they need and deserve.

Bittersweet Night

I had a bitter-sweet night. Bitter because that is the taste of grieving and sweet because the Lord was there for me.
I could tell a 'break down' was coming soon and when I went to bed, it hit. And it hit hard. All I could do was sob into my pillow to muffle the cries, shaking as I clutched Teagan's blanket to my chest as if it could fill this void in my heart. No matter how hard I held that blanket to me, it couldn't relieve the pain in my chest. There is nothing you can do to stop it but let the tears out. I was thinking about the saying, "The Lord doesn't give you more than you can handle." We have all heard it, I have heard in more in the last two months than I care to count. I have to say, I don't agree with it. I have come to resent that statement. I cannot handle losing my child, but I have no choice. This burden has been placed on my back and it has crushed me, leaving me figuratively broken and unmoving on the floor. I have two choices: 1) give into the darkness, crawl into bed and never get out; or 2) turn to the Lord for strength. I choose to turn to the Lord.

So I opened my scriptures and read. My search for comfort from the scriptures brought me to 2 Peter 3:18. It says:
"But grow in grace, and in the knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. To him be glory both now and forever. Amen."
"But grow in grace..." I thought about that phrase, it spoke to me. Our God is gracious, He is compassionate, merciful, and loving. He has given us His Son, that we may someday know the sweetness of Salvation. He has given us the knowledge of Forever Families. We all need to grow in God's mercy and love. The knowledge we receive from the gospel allows us to grow... "grow in grace."

While right now I am broken and unmoving on the ground, I have hope. The Lord is there with me, feeding me so that I can heal. There will always be scars and I won't be the same person I was before, but I will be able to stand again someday. The Lord with strengthen me with knowledge of His wonderful plan. Even though I cannot handle this trial and heart break, the Lord will strengthen me so that will be able to survive it.

Teagan's Poem

Its been awhile since I have posted. I haven't known what to post. It's not that things haven't been happening, but I have had a lot of different feelings. I am at a point right now, that anytime I have a minute to think or blog, I think about Teagan and about my grief. I have been reluctant to share all the emotions of grief. I shared more that first month after Teagan died and then the second month hit and the pain hit a whole new level. The anger, pain, and anguish of grief is ugly. And here I am, beginning the third month since Teagan left, its not that the grief has gotten easier, the emotions still hit me like a run away train, but I have been inspired by another mother to share some of my thoughts.

This is a poem I wrote for Teagan. I wrote it just before her funeral.

Aching Arms

I have aching arms,
Arms meant to hold you,
Hands meant to comfort you,
And lips meant to kiss you.

God gave you to me
For just a short while.
Too short to fully show
How much you mean to me.

For reasons unknown,
God took you back home.
I'm left her confused,
My heart still rebelling.

Too pure, too perfect
to stay here with us
And God has promised me
We will again reunite.

I remain with empty arms,
A heart forever touched.
But God has changed my arms
From aching arms to waiting arms.

---Jennie Spicer

Teagan's Memorial

We held Teagan's funeral service on September 3rd, 2011. We brought her back home and buried her in Mountain View Cemetery in Pocatello, Idaho. It was a beautiful, sunny afternoon and so many friends and family joined us in remembering Teagan's precious life. I will always be grateful to them and the love I felt from them on that day. My dad conducted the service, cousins and an uncle on Jared's side sang an amazing arrangement of Be Still My Soul. Jared's dad gave a wonderful talk and Jared dedicated the grave. Afterwards, we had a balloon release and wrote messages on notecards to send up with the balloons.

I had to make it perfect for Teagan. There are so many things I wish I was doing for her instead, and I was left with only this to do for her. No scraped knees, no first day of school, no birthdays, no proms, no boyfriends, no wedding... so many things that won't happen. I had to make this one thing for her perfect. I was glad it turned out so well.

It is difficult to describe all the emotions of that day. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. Everything about it seemed wrong, a mother should not have to bury her child or have her 5 year old ask if she had a funeral when she was a baby. I have to keep remembering that I am only seeing a little bit of the picture and Heavenly Father has a plan that I am not able to understand right now. I continue to rely on faith that this is not the end.

Teagan Faith

I don't know how to start. All I know is that I am changed from the person I once was and Teagan has become a part of my heart, life, and soul. I have to write about her story and share the beautiful precious soul that she is. I am not gifted with a talent for words, but hope that I can convey the struggle, love, and faith that were part of her short life here on Earth.

Aug 3rd, a Wednesday, Jared took me into the hospital when I was experiencing painful contractions. Because this pregnancy had been so complicated, I was hoping that this trip would be like the others, they check me and monitor me for a day or two and send me home. We got to the hospital and they gave me a couple terbutaline shots and were able to stop the contractions. I was moved over to an antepartum room so they could monitor me. The next day, Thursday, they gave me calcium channel blocker to keep the contractions away.

Unfortunately, they didn't work and the contractions started coming 3-4 min apart that evening. The doctors checked my cervix and I was dilated to a 3. When I heard the doctor say that I started experiencing the second scariest day of my life. I was taken back to labor and delivery and given magnesium sulfate. At this point I was 22 weeks and 6 days. In the Philadelphia region, doctors aren't allowed to try and resuscitate babies until 23 weeks. I needed to make it to midnight on Friday. Magnesium sulfate is a very strong drug feed through an IV, it makes you drowsy and hazy and feel very hot. All Friday I watched the clock counting down the hours till midnight. It was such a feeling of relief to watch the clock pass 12 that night. I received another round of steroid shots for her lung development. By Sunday night I was stable enough to lower the dose of mag sulfate and move me back to antepartum.

I remember the mag sulfate making me feel crummy but loving it because it was keeping me pregnant. I cherished every kick and nudge from my baby girl. I would fall asleep to the sound of her heart on the monitor. I remember trying to will my body to relax and work right for her. I wanted to go to sleep and wake up from this nightmare and have everything be okay.

Then Monday night, my water broke. I felt like we had just been handed complication after complication and felt like screaming, why was my baby being given so many challenges to make it into this world? The doctors checked my cervix again and surprisingly enough my cervix was dilated at a one. I felt a little hope. Tuesday morning, the team of doctors decided that it was too risky to keep me on the mag sulfate between the broken water and abrupted placenta, it could do more damage than good. They said that it could be a couple days or up to a week before I went into labor.

I wasn't lucky enough to make it farther than 4:00 before the contractions were coming consistently. At 5:00 I was checked and dilated to a 2-3 and moved over to labor and delivery. We had a friend come and help Jared give me a blessing. I remember Jared talking about how I would be okay and thinking don't talk about me, what about my baby. I felt pain for myself and for Jared that he couldn't give me the promise that my baby would be okay, but that Heavenly Father has a plan for her.

The contractions continued to come, shortly after 6:00 I had a series of contractions on top of each other and her heart rate dropped. This was the scariest moment of my life. The doctors believe this was when the placenta completely detached and I was rushed to the OR for emergency c-section. Teagan Faith was born Aug. 9, 2011 at 6:16pm, weighed 1 lb 4 oz, and was 11 inches long. Two neonatalogists did everything they could, she was just too little. Teagan only lived a short while before returning home to our Heavenly Father.

After I woke up in ICU, Jared told me she didn't make it, nothing can describe the pain and loss of that moment. The slightest movement would cause pain and I was in and out of it, but I thought that it fit, because my body felt like my heart- broken. Then they brought me Teagan. The time I spent holding and caressing her are moments that I will remember the rest of my life. I wanted to hold her forever. She was absolutely perfect. Her hair was starting to grow, her ears, hands, and feet were perfect and so tiny. Teagan had the Spicer eyelashes and Anderson feet. Teagan means beautiful, and she truly was beautiful and absolutely perfect, just so little.

It is amazing how much you can love someone so much. I had her with me for 23 weeks and 3 days, she became a permanent and eternal piece of my heart. The only way to cope is to rely on my faith that we will one day be reunited, that someday I will be able to raise her, and that Jared and I are sealed to her and no one can take that away from us. I am not strong enough to go through this alone, my Heavenly Father has been there for me and given me moments of peace through the anguish and grief. I don't understand it, but Heavenly Father's plan for her was only a short life measured in minutes and I would go through it all again, just to be her mother.