Lose Control

I have quite a bit of blogging to do, about our Christmas and trip home. But as I sit here, all I can think of is my baby. My baby would have been five months old. What would Teagan have looked like? Would she favor the Spicers or the Andersons? Would she have been another high maintenance baby or the happy care free kind. She definitely would have been spoiled by all of us. Five months... it feels like years ago. At times it is hard to remember the person I was before. Not necessarily care-free, there were stresses in my life, but now those worries seem so trivial and unimportant. I have changed these past five months. I am trying to make those changes into something better, instead of for the worse. It feels as if my entire life has been tipped on its head and I'm trying to redefine the things in my world... maybe not redefine, but organize everything into its rightful place with important things were they belong- at the top.

I have felt completely out of control. I couldn't control my body to carry Teagan to term, my life didn't follow the plan I had, and I am completely out of control of my emotions. Break downs are spacing out and it is getting better and I try to control these too. It doesn't work, I try to allow myself time to cry but the tears won't come when they are on the schedule, they like take me off guard. Haha, figures! I have faith, but my trust has been shaken. I feel vulnerable and there is no way to protect myself from life. I know that just because we have gone through this hell, it doesn't exempt me from future trials and that scares the crap out of me! So, I have thrown my hands up in the air and decided to lose control. I am trying to turn control over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows what is really going on and what will happen. Heavenly Father, you have my cooperation... guide me! I pray for guidance and peace. Also time to heal, I don't think I could handle any more big trials right now. Heavenly Father, guide me back home to my baby girl!

9 years!

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life! Nine years ago we were married in the Idaho Falls Temple for time and all eternity. I have said this before and I will continue to say it, marring Jared was the best decision that I have ever made in my life. It has led me to where I am today. Because of that wonderful decision we have three amazing children. I think we have a pretty awesome eternal family!

Let me tell you a little bit about my honey. We met on a blind date, I was fresh out of high school and Jared had just returned from his mission. We clicked and after he got the guts to call me for a second date... we were always together. Jared knows how to push my buttons more than anyone else, I think its cause he knows me so well! However, he is also my calming influence, he calms my worries and fears. He knows how to make me happy. Jared can be sarcastic and often uses his humor to make me laugh during an argument (after which I want to be angry at him for making me laugh but I can't). He is currently working very hard in school for our family. I love that he wants me to be able to stay at home with our children. Jared also has incredible faith, many people don't get to see this side of him and it is a side of him I absolutely love.

It has been an eventful nine years. We have had wonderful happiness and hardships in those years. The passing of Teagan was a hardship I never thought we would have to endure, but we lean on each other and we stumble through this life together. Our marriage is by no means perfect, we have had ups and downs. But we love each other and we make our life good. I look forward to spending the rest of eternity with him. I love you Jared!

My First Christmas In Heaven

My First Christmas In Heaven
I see the countless Christmas trees around the world below.
With tiny lights, like heaven's stars reflecting on the snow.
This sight is so spectacular please wipe away that tear.
For I am spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs that people hold so dear.
But the sounds of music can't compare with the Christmas choir up here.
For I have no words to tell you, the joy their voices bring.
For it is beyond description to hear an angel sing.

I know how much you miss me; I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away, we are really not apart.

So be happy for me dear ones, you know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

I send you each a special gift from my heavenly home above.
I send you each a memory of my undying love.
For after all "Love" is the gift, more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important in the stories Jesus told.

So please love and keep each other, as my Father said to do.
For I cannot count the blessings for the love he has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas, and wipe away that tear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas with Jesus Christ this year.

--Author Unknown

My sweet neighbor gave me this poem. She always remembers Teagan and is never afraid to talk about her (and for that I will always love her). I love this poem, and I bawled when I first read it. Simply because I can imagine Teagan telling me the same thing. I know she is happy and wishes this wasn't so hard on me.

A glimpse into my erratic mind

Its been four months. I am a roller coaster of emotions and I take it a day at a time. Just when I think things are getting easier it gets harder. I have had so many different things on my mind lately. I have been thinking a lot about the pre-existence. Joseph Smith said concerning children that die before the age of eight,"...they were too pure, to lovely to live on earth..." I believe that children who die before the age of accountability had already proved themselves. Was it some great act they performed that allowed them to bypass this life, only coming here to receive a body? Or was it just them, the pureness of their spirit and essence of themselves that did it? I don't know and I wonder what it was that Teagan did. Sometimes I wish Teagan could have been less perfect up there. Then she could stay here with us. But, that would change her, then she wouldn't be her... and really while I wish she could be here, I would never change her. I know its crazy and erratic, right! I still will always wonder what it was she did before coming to earth that allowed her to leave early.

I have heard people say they believe they chose their trials in the pre-existence. I don't know. I wonder if I signed up for this- becoming a baby loss mom. Did I agree to this? I can't imagine myself saying 'sure I can handle that'. I have always thought losing a child would be one of the worse things a person could go through. However, if I was given a choice: a) have Teagan and also lose her or b) never have her at all, I would hands down choose option A. Because as horrible as this is, she is still a part of our family... and always will be. Of course I would love a third option in there that included Teagan being with us here on earth, but that wasn't part of her plan. It obviously wasn't a choice. She is my pearl of great price. She is a beautiful, perfect spirit and in order for me to be her mother I had to pay a price so to speak.

A Christmas Dress

Bentli and I were walking through Target and were passing by the Infant and Toddler section of the store. The bright red clearance racks were calling me over to look through them for clothes for Tate. Unthinking I made the turn to head over to the racks. I was stopped in my tracks by adorable 0-3 month Christmas dresses. A gold satin dress with a black lace overlay. I clenched my jaw as I choked back the lump in my throat and tears burned my eyes. My heart sank as my reality hit me. I want to be checking the price tag and looking for matching tights and shoes. I want to be juggling the car seat and a ridiculously over-packed diaper bag.

I took a deep... shaky breath and turned around. I need to hold it together. I don't need the clearance rack that bad. Bentli and I went on to the toy section so she could pick out a Christmas present for her brother. I wish I was bringing Teagan home from the hospital. My mind knows that she is fulfilling Heavenly Father's plan for her. My heart knows she is happy and with us often. But I miss her... so much.

Christmas in the Big Apple

December 3rd was a... hard day. It represented one of the biggest 'if onlys' and 'should be'. I should be having a baby now or at least bringing her home from the NICU. I didn't want to dwell on these all day, so we got in the car and headed up to New York City. We parked in Staten Island and took the ferry across, the kids loved it.

Tate told us he was looking for sharks, and can you believe it-- he says he saw a shark and a dolphin! He makes me laugh.

We had to see Santa. We went to Macy's Santaland. The kids loved riding the escalator up seven floors, it seriously was any kid's dream. We were pleasantly surprised when we only had to wait in line for an hour. The line was HUGE, Macy's sure knows how to do it.

The had some great model trains. The this is a pic of the kids next in line to see Santa-- he was right around the corner!


This is the first year that I didn't have a screaming kid who was forced onto Santa's lap. Bentli asked for a Lalaloopsy Silly Hair Doll and Tate asked for T-Rex. I think Tate would have sat and talked to Santa all day long.


Apparently a Saturday in Dec in NYC is CrAzY!! The sidewalks were literally packed. We were glad we didn't have any strollers to weave in the crowd. I wish I would have taken some photos of the window displays-- the were amazing!


The Rockefeller Christmas Tree. It was of course huge!



It was a good trip and we were all exhausted when we made it home. It was still a hard day. I was wishing that I was navigating a huge stroller with my baby in it or that I was home with my baby. Wishing that 5th person was in the photos with us. I made it through the day, glad its over.

Salem MA

The beginning of November, my sister Melody had a medical conference in Boston. (Can't believe I'm old enough to have a little sister who is doctor!) Since another sister, Michele, lives in Salem which is just half an hour outside of Boston, the kids and I jumped in the car and drove up. The first night we drove into Melody's hotel and went swimming, the kids could have done it all night long. On Saturday, we all went exploring Salem. It is a beautiful little town and home to the famous Salem witch trials. They even have a town witch. The photos of the leaf fight was at the park in 'Hocus Pocus'. My favorite Halloween movie. The kids did so well in the six hour car ride, we were lucky enough to hit the NYC traffic just right, but Boston was a bit tricky. November started out really rough, so it was good to just get away for a little bit.

Melody was by far the fun one, with lots of energy and chased around with the kids.

A Harry Potter store, it was closed, but it looked really cute! And the gang: Mel Travis Michele Bentli and Tate






Our awesome leaf fight. The kids saw the fire truck and were so excited when one of the firemen were Travis' friends and let them climb in the fire truck and hold an axe.