One year ago I was pregnant. All the complications hadn't started yet. That would come later in the month. Life was feeling pretty perfect.
I miss that. I miss the feeling of being completely content and happy with what life has given me. Now, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful and happy for the many many blessings in my life. I am so incredibly grateful for Bentli and Tatum. But no one can fill the spot in my heart that belongs to Teagan. I wonder if I will ever have that feeling of being completely content again.
Its hard to be completely content when the happiest, sweetest moments spent with my children and husband are tinged with an overwhelming sadness. Tinged with a longing for our sweet baby girl. I was reading books with the kids the other day and it hit me again. Teagan is gone, she's not coming back, I won't get to sit and cuddle with her. I won't be able to hold all three of my children. It is sometimes hard to watch Tate and Bentli cuddle and love on babies, when I want them to be doing that with Teagan. These aren't new realizations or thoughts from the last ten months, but it still takes my breath away.
Its been ten months. It feels like longer. And the day when I will hold my baby in my arms again seems so very far away. I'm looking forward to the feeling of complete contentment when I can hold Teagan in my arms again.
6 comments:
The moments of contentment will come. Along with the random, knife-in-the-gut moments that creep up on you out of nowhere.
I have both. It's been almost 18 months since Ella passed away. Even on days when I feel my son move in my belly, I still ache for my little girl who's gone.
But I still have moments where I am content with my life. Most of the time I freak out and worry about the future, but there are times when life is good, even perfect, despite the imperfections.
Those days will come. They'll come and go and come again.
That is one of the worst parts for me, the never feeling like you are all there. The happy moments with the sadness cause you are missing someone. I am sorry you have to feel this. It is so not fun. I love you though! :)
I am sorry you know this pain also, It is so hard. I feel that sting of not being content in even the sweetest moments. Praying for you my friend. You will make it and hold sweet Teagan in your arms again.
I have come to read your blog after you posted on mine. So sorry to hear about your precious Teagan, I know that feeling of desperately wanting to hold your daughter in your arms again. Heaven feels a long way away sometimes! God bless
I'm so sorry! Heaven does feel so far away sometimes. The moments of peace will come. I will pray for you for that. It is a bit tricky at times your so happy yet feel that twinge of sad. Praying for you mama. Big hugs!!
I'm so sorry. It does get easier in a since. I still long for my son and I still get those moments of "if he was here, he would be doing..." but instead of making me sad, more recently it gives me something to smile about and think about him - not all the time but I find when I share my thoughts with my family and we can all enjoy the thought of how it would be if he was here (i.e. if Beckett was here he would be taking all the toys away from his little brother - it always makes my other kids excited to think about the "what ifs")
Thinking of you.
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