Help Swaddle an Angel

You want to know what I told the nurse practitioner at my first OB appointment?  Rhetorical question, because I am going to tell you anyway!  haha.  I told her I was a low maintenance pregnancy, that I go to my doctor appointments, go the hospital, and go home with my baby.  I honest to goodness said that.  I still am shaking my head and berating myself for that stupid comment.  My pregnancy was anything but simple or routine.  For six weeks there were countless tests and hospital visits.  I think the longest I went without going to the hospital was 4 days.  Looking back, I wonder how I didn't see this coming, I didn't even consider the possibility of Teagan not making it.  I had researched everything: physical and mental developmental delays due to prematurity, NICU stays, how to take care of micro preemies, etc... all of it, except for the possibility that I wouldn't ever bring my baby girl home.

I wasn't prepared to have those few hours after Teagan was born be the only... the only time I had with her.  What parent is prepared for that?  I didn't have any blankets made or clothes, even if I did have them made/bought by then, they would have been too big.  The hospital was wonderful to us, and gave us a bereavement box, with a blanket, bows, feet/hand imprints, etc.   I am so incredibly grateful to the hospital and the memories they allowed me to create with Teagan.  I know we are not the only parents who only have a short time to create a lifetime of memories.  There are many parents, more than you realize, who have to say good-bye as soon as they welcome their child into their arms. 

I talked with the hospital where Teagan was born, Lankenau Hospital, and the nurse told me that they have a need for small blankets designed for babies 18-24 weeks gestational age.  They do get some donations for closer to term babies, but they are too large for these tiny babies.  Every parent should have a blanket to swaddle their infant.  They should have a nice, pretty blanket to wrap their baby in for pictures, and (if they are like me) sleep with every night to comfort them in their grief.  I found this blog that gives directions on how to make LilyWraps (small blankets to swaddle tiny babies).

How to make a LilyWrap

(Make option 2, the snug as a bug option)
I will be making wraps that are a finished size of 12"x12" and I may throw in to a few slightly larger ones of 15"x15"

Our family is starting a project.  I'm calling it Swaddle an Angel.  We are going to make as many of these wraps as possible.  And maybe some cute little diapers, see how to make them here.  We want to take these wraps and donate them to Lankenau Hospital on Teagan's birthday/angel day, August 9th.  We want to celebrate her life and our love for her.  I can't think of a better way to celebrate Teagan than to give to those in need.

If you would like to help with this project of ours, you can: make some LilyWraps and mail them to me, donate fabric, donate money to buy fabric, or even just spread the word to those crafty people who are looking for a project to work on.  Words cannot even begin to express the gratitude in my heart for the donations that were made for us, so we could have some beautiful memories to hang onto for the rest of our lives.  If you are able, I would love your help in bringing some comfort to mothers and fathers during one of the most difficult times a parent can experience.
 
*For questions or for an address to mail donations to, please email me at jenniespicer@gmail.com
**I added a PayPal donate button to the sidebar for easy click donations.  Thank you all!

Butterfly Love

One of the highlights of going home for my beautiful little sister's wedding was being able to go and visit Teagan's grave.  It was actually on Teagan's nine month birthday/angel day that we flew in.  My wonderful mother-in-law stayed with the kids so I could go over to the cemetery by myself.  

 

These lilacs were a little gift to me from Heavenly Father (at least that is the way I see it).  Let me tell you why.  I love lilacs, they have childhood memories written all over them for me.  Add in the fact that they are purple (Teagan's color) and I knew I wanted to put some on her grave.  My in-law's neighbors were trimming their lilac bushes and cutting away a lot of the bush.  So, Robbie and I went over and got a bunch of flowers from the parts they cut down.  The flowers were pretty, but they were kind of dried up and not quite healthy.  They were better than nothing though.  

Well, as I was driving to the cemetery I saw a ton of beautiful lilacs growing on a LDS church's property.  At first I told myself, 'No, Jennie- just keep driving'.  I didn't get very far before I flipped a U-ey to get some of those beautiful flowers.  I think Heavenly Father had them growing in abundance in that spot for me.  You couldn't even tell I took any.  Right there on my way to see Teagan.  So with the situation and the fact that it came from church property... call me crazy or call it a tender mercy; I'm calling it a gift from Heavenly Father to me, on a hard day.

I made it to the cemetery with my beautiful lilacs for Teagan.  I talked to Teagan.  I cried.  I prayed.  I cried.  I talked.  I cried some more, splotchy face and all.  Crying is not something to be scared of.  They're a part of grief, they're a part of life.  When you can't find they words to express all you are feeling inside, tears are what replace those unfound words.  I found this quote by Washington Irving once, it says it better than I can:

There is a sacredness in tears.  They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.  They speak more eloquently than ten thousand tongues.  They are messengers of overwhelming grief... and unspeakable love.

Then, the sweetest thing happened.  A small butterfly came and landed on Teagan's flowers.  She stayed for awhile too.  Just a tiny one.  Kind of fitting, Teagan was just a tiny one too.  Just because they are tiny, doesn't mean they aren't just as wonderful.  Tiny things can carry a tremendous amount of faith and love.  Some may just say it was a coincidence.  I think it was Teagan saying, "It's okay Mom, I'm alright".  It made me smile... it made me cry.

(you may have to look hard, but the little butterfly is there.  Its not a very good pic, it was taken with my phone)

Nine months

This next week is a big week.  The kids and I are flying home for my adorable little sister's wedding.  I know that Celeste and Judd will be very happy together and we are excited to welcome him into our big crazy family.  We are so excited to be able to see all our family and just have fun and laugh together.

Mother's Day is this Sunday also.  No, it is not my first Mother's Day.  Yes, I have two living children here to celebrate with me.  But, this is my first Mother's Day as a bereaved parent.  Its giving me anxiety.  Maybe because I have no idea what to expect and it scares me.  I have no idea where my emotions are going to be.  I will be back home on vacation during this big day and Jared will be here in Philly doing rotations.  I want to be able to gather all my kiddos in my arms and squeeze them and kiss them.  It does help that I have two kids here to do that with, but it doesn't take away the part of my heart that aches for Teagan.


 Teagan would have been nine months old on Wednesday.  Nine months... it feels like longer.  I know that first birthday is right around the corner.  I've been thinking about that day a lot lately.  Maybe because our little neighbor boy, Cannon, just had his first birthday.  Cannon's birthday was unexpectedly emotional for me.  It highlighted one more thing I won't be doing with my baby.  However, I hope Teagan's first birthday will still have celebrations.  We will still celebrate her life and the day she became an eternal piece of our family.  I hope to honor her on that day.


We have decided to make LilyWraps to donate to Lankenau Hospital on Teagan's birthday.  I talked with a nurse today and found that they have a need for small blankets.  They do get some donations, but most are too big for the tiniest little angels.  These mothers and fathers deserve to have a pretty blanket to wrap up their angel as they have to do the unspeakable and say good-bye to their child.  I am getting excited for this project and I would love any help or donations for this.  As soon as I get back from my sister's wedding, I will post more about needed materials, directions to make LilyWraps, etc.  I hope we can help some mothers, just a little bit, who have to journey down this difficult road.



Teagan Baby,
Oh, how I miss you.  This separation is so hard.  I often wonder if it would be easier if I knew when it would end or if I could just get updates on how you are doing and what you have been up to.  I wonder what is keeping you busy.  I know you must be busy, cause I don't feel you around as much.  I may be crazy, but sometimes, I just know that you are there.  Sometimes during family time or quiet times at night when the grief can be overwhelming.  I think about you always, constantly.  I love to talk about you with people.  I love to share my perfect baby girl.  I love you and will continue to love you forever and ever!

Where's your baby?

The past few days I was in a rut.  I don't know what my deal was, I was just ornery.  While in this rut, it was hard to deal with the grief.  I kept wondering if this rut was due to my grief or were my emotions all over the place cause I didn't have the energy to control them.  (If any other BLMs have any insight on this let me know.)  All my hurts and emotions for Teagan were raw.  I hurt inside and I wanted to cry, but it felt like all my tears had been used up and I didn't have any words for how I was feeling.  All the emotions were just sitting and festering inside without a way to get out.  They were able to break out today.  Maybe that is why I feel better.  Sometimes crying does help.  Even as I sit and type this I am feeling better and better.  That's what this blog has become, my release.  It's a lot cheaper than therapy. 

I miss my baby girl.  Teagan.  I say her name at least fifty times every day.  Some days more.  Some days I'm able to say it with a smile and some days I cry it.  But I have to hear her name, out loud, every day.  Music to my ears.  Nothing makes me smile more than to hear other people say it.  I love when Tate and Bentli talk about Teagan, kids don't hold anything back out of fear, it's wonderful.  Teagan's name is included in every prayer in our family.  Who says angels don't need blessings too?  I think they do, they are doing important things. 

Anyways, getting back to the title of this post and the reason I sat down to blog.  This is a memory I want to remember.  It's bittersweet.  I hope I'm remembering it right, it was a couple weeks ago.  My friend Angela, told me a conversation she overheard between Tate and her little boy Hayden while they were playing with Hayden's baby brother Landon:

H- "This is my baby brother"
T- "Everybody has babies" (apparently he is noticing the baby boom in our community too)
H- "Where is your baby?"
T- "She's in heaven"

So sweet, but it hurts a little bit too.  Preschool was at my house today and during snack time they were talking about feeding babies.  Tate looked up at me and said, "Teagan doesn't need food, huh Mom."  It's sad that he has to know this reality at such a young tender age.  But I love that he doesn't forget Teagan.  She is his baby sister, his special angel, baby sister.

Manon Lescaut

Our anniversary is January 3rd.  It was a great day to get married, but finding the money and time to celebrate your anniversary can be a little tricky because its right there wrapped up in all the holidays.  This year we decided to celebrate a little later; I think it will become tradition.  For our anniversary I wanted to do something we had never done before but I always thought would a neat experience....

Are ya ready for it?...

Jared took me to the Opera!!

Did you fall off your seat?  Because I about did when he agreed to it!

Check out these pics:

 

Yes, we were in the nose-bleed, cheap seat.  I didn't care, the atmosphere was so incredible.  The singing was completely mind boggling.  I'm one of those people that can NOT carry a tune- at all- even to save my life.  To hear these people sing- holy crap.

The production was Manon Lescaut by Puccini.  It was sung in Italian and there were subtitles in English so I knew what was going on.  I will say that I didn't really like the story of Manon Lescaut.  You can read the synopsis here.  In my opinion, Manon, the heroine, is selfish, vain, and just plain stupid.  Which is probably why she dies in the end.  Jared and I both really enjoyed it.  ... enjoyed the opera, not her dieing.  Haha.  Actually, Jared was relieved when she {quote} finally died {end quote}.  Jared thinks that if it would have been shorter it would have been perfect.  Overall, it was wonderful.  I can't wait to talk Jared into going to another one with me! 

Lately

Lately, things have been crazy at our house. I had the bright idea to volunteer to coach the kids' t-ball team this year... What am I thinking?! Jared's schedule is too crazy busy, and I figured what the heck, I'll give it a go. I got my neighbor Krista to co-coach with me. Thank goodness, cause my experience in little league isn't much to go on. I am excited to spend this time with my kids though.

I had sinus surgery yesterday also. Got rid of those nasty nasal polyps and fixed a deviated septum. Yesterday I was nauseous from the general anesthesia. Today I am doing pretty good, just stuffed up and tired. I'm just glad to have it all done. It was hard being in a hospital, being wheeled around on a stretcher and getting an IV put in. It brought back memories. Questions from the doctors about past surgeries. I would tell them I had a c-section, they would ask if there were any complications. Crap, there was a butt load of complications! Hard questions at a time that you don't want to fall to pieces. But I made it through.

And I finally got Teagan's birth certificate! We had received her death certificate from the funeral home, but I never heard anything about a birth certificate. They normally have you fill out all the baby's information at the hospital. They never did that, it probably would have been too hard at the time. But there the death certificate sat, on my dresser, mocking me. Its just plain wrong, to have that reminder of their death, but no paper stating their life. That she lived! For however short, she was here. After some very hard phone calls, I was able to track it down and have them send me a copy. I'm glad we finally have it, to put in her memory box. Something with Teagan's name on it.

Easter thoughts of Teagan

Easter has never been as emotional for me as it was this year. Today is Teagan's eight month birthday/angel day. I still miss her like crazy and I hope I am making her proud of me. I crave to be able to hold her again, to kiss her little fingers. Needless to say, I am anxiously awaiting the Second Coming :)
The emotions of yesterday were in part from thinking of Teagan's eight month mark, but it was so much more than that. I was so overwhelmed with so many different emotions. Mostly, I felt humility and gratitude to my Savior, for his sacrifice. My thinking has changed from 'He died for my sins' to 'He died for me, so I could have my family forever'. Because He died, our separation from Teagan is a temporary one. And because He lives, we will live together as a family someday. There is no greater gift.

This video touched my heart and I wanted to share it. We sang the song, "I Know That My Redeemer Lives" at Teagan's graveside service. One of those songs that I won't be able to sing without crying anymore!

He lives! To silence all my fears
He lives! To wipe away my tears
He lives! To calm my troubled heart
He lives! With blessings to impart